The Stray Seed

Not yet

2011-12-21T05:50:00.003+01:00

I hadn't planned on telling you yet for a long while. Now it came up. There is no way I can tell you just like that, so here:

Yes, there is a reason.

Yes, it's serious.

Yes, it's ugly.

Yes, I'm being treated.

Yes, with medication.

Yes, I have all the symptoms. Classic.

Yes, it has consequences.

Yes, for me.

Yes, for my life.

Yes, maybe indirectly for you.

No, it's not contagious.

No, it's not deadly.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Yes, it's visible (did I mention it's ugly?).

Yes, it happens.

Yes, I'm working on it.

No, it can't be cured, just treated.

Yes, I'm 4 - 12%.

No, I definitely won't tell you yet. Raincheck.

I want

2011-12-14T15:55:00.005+01:00

I want to see your face
and feel your eyes on me.
I want to run to you
and you to catch me.

I want to clear your doubts
and lose my fears in your embrace.
I want to comfort you,
soak up your tears.

I want to know the nameless, faceless
that have what I don't - you.
I want to see your life,
I want to be a part.

I want to wake up,
feel your smile on me.
I want to fight with you,
kiss and make up.

I want to miss you only when you're gone,
want to experience the joy of being near.
I want to be with you.
I want you.

"Happiness is only real when shared"

2011-12-11T11:04:00.004+01:00

When I'm happy, I want everyone of my friends to feel the same. I want to share my happiness.

But R. is dissatisfied with her life, N. is unhappily in love, A. is just about ok, M. remembers the feeling from long ago. I want to make it all good for them, for the selfish reason that they'd be as happy as I am.

And to tell them the reason why I'm so happy, the reason that is you. You sprang it on me, out of the blue.
"I'm hard-boiled. Maybe I've been hurt too many times. I don't think I can fall in love anymore", this is what I used to say (and believe) whenever the topic came up.

Turns out I was wrong. Confusion ('where are you going with this?') turned into surprise ('really? me?'), joy ('wow, really me! really you!') and euphoria ('you know, I like him soo flipping much').

You have been in this longer than me but I think I'm catching up so quickly it's almost embarrassing. I look out to your texts, smile into my phone and just at the world around me, feel warm when I hear your voice (did I tell you how I love your voice?). You solve the riddles of life for me, make me laugh where I would have frowned, walk on where I might have stopped, encourage me.

I'm happy.

What it takes

2011-10-27T11:41:00.007+02:00

...I write or maybe I should say I scribble. Strange poems, short stories and the odd movie review. But I would never, could never write a novel.

...I read a lot and so I was wondering what it takes to get me hooked in the first place, to keep me reading on way beyond my bedtime and to finally leave me wanting more and feeling a little sad.

...Vikram Seth has it and so do Maeve Binchy, Rubina Uzzaman, Elizabeth Noble, Richard Bach,... to name just a few. But what do they have?

...A core for their novels to begin with. An idea that turns into a story, with twists and turns, a plot which is gripping and plausible, heroes I can identify with and whose lives I am interested in following.

...They need excellent linguistic and stilistic skills because nothing is more annoying than stumbling over grammatical mistakes or reading through repetitions galore.

...And last but not least, they must have patience and stamina. The patience to bring situations to life, to build around the dialogues and most of all the stamina to work through a writer's block.

...So Vikram, Maeve, Rubina, Elizabeth, Richard - whatever it is: Keep doing what you're doing!

Liquid Blanket

2011-10-14T15:33:00.000+02:00

I dive into your liquid hug
you flow around me
hug me but don't hold.

I sink in deeper
your wavy warm embrace.

The liquid vertigo that grips me
I'm floating up
I leave you...

The particular sadness of lemon cake

2011-06-08T19:14:00.003+02:00

Have you read this book? It is about a girl who is suddenly, on the eve of her 9th birthday, able to taste feelings. She tastes the emotions the cook felt while making that dish, emotions that they are mostly unaware of or even if they weren't, they would never admit. A lot of the food is rendered almost inedible to her, packed with guilt, anger, hurry or depression.

What would my food taste like? Impatience, restlessness, insecurity and lots and lots of jealousy? Or yours - have you thought about it? Are you curious or would you prefer not to know?

Here's a suggestion: tell me the truth. Don't worry, I won't pity you if you say you're bad. Won't ask what's wrong when you admit you're not sure. I'll say ok, acknowledge it with a nod, that's all. I just want to know, know where I am with you. Just stop pretending, let me see the side of yours that is not pretty, funny and optimistic, "show me your soul", as they sing.

I'll still like you, no less than before, so go for it, let's all take the plunge. Now!

Little bits of self-earned wisdom

2011-05-09T12:35:00.003+02:00

So here's what I've learned from life and generous as I am (oh well), I share it with you:

1 - Don't offer anything you're not really readily seriously and voluntarily willing to give. Be it an invitation, accepting one such, a gift or help. Because you know, people might just take you up on it.
(Otherwise, you could have someone sleep on your couch in the corridor that you don't really want to see in the morning, let alone having to make breakfast conversation with.)

2 - If people are offering something to you and you want it, say yes. Don't act shy or modest or indecisive. Accept it and thank them.
(This way, you can acquire a beautiful photo on canvas, caramel filled chocolate or a sky disk style pendant.)

3 - If however they're offering something you don't want (are not interested in, own already or can't stand), don't hesitate to refuse it. Politely but firmly.
(And so you don't end up with besan ka laddoo (yuck!) or a hideous calendar on Central German castles.)

You're welcome :-)

Of stone flowers..

2011-03-07T14:57:00.008+01:00

Take another drag. Ok, ready? Vas-y!

Dragging.. a little, not too much.. keeping it in. Don't breathe out yet, don't cough. The trick is to breathe out before. I drag, blink, swallow dry, breathe in some more, hold my breath .. there, phew...

Do you feel anything?

Shaking my head no.

Ok, go again.. here .. vas-y!

Dragging.. a little .. same procedure.. breathing out, leaning back a little...Whoa! I feel like sliding down to the floor, unable to stand on my legs but don't. I get hold of the window sill, of the wall on the other side of the small bathroom.

I'll fall.. or am I? Out of the bathroom, gathering strength, moving my body with my will, willing myself onto the sofa. Long distance... phew.

I'll fall .. I'll fricking fall!! Grabbing onto the cushion.. or else.. Where are you? How can you be standing there, too far away, doing whatever?? Are you fucking kidding me?

Whoa! What the fuck is happening to me? The wall shows white flowers on white ground. And they are moving! Whoa..

That, child, is m. for you.

I thought I was resistant!

Resistant? That's what you thought, girl?! You laugh.

Come here, where are you? Come!! Finally. Sit next to me, come closer, CLOSER!!

One hand holding onto the cushion, my right hand clinging into you, squeezing your palm.

Let's go, let's eat, you must be hungry!

Hungry? Eat? What? Umm.. no..

I watch you eat, I can't. Your food is racing on your plate. Whoa..

There's something.. something.. needs to be done.. food.. prepare.. this .. in there..

What? I can't understand you.

Gestures.. saying no.. leave.. i t...

Moving my eyes is scary.. moving my head hurts .. talking's a miner's work. I don't, I...

You look at me.. you say... what did you say? What? Incomprehension galore.
Say again. I hear you, don't listen, don't remember. I wonder.. why?

Did I call you? Can't be, can't talk, can't force myself to walk. Hard work.. no way, no. NO!

You're standing beside me. Touch me! Kiss me.. touch.. hold... come here..

Eat something.. this later, you say. You think? Neah, forget. I pull you over, not letting go.. kiss me... Hungry eyes, mine. Hungry me, no.

I need you near. I'll fall if you go back, drown if your lips leave mine, if your hands take off.

You caress my cheek, the other. How does that feel? Intense? I nod, you caress, I feel.

My skin lusts for you, my self does. Persuasive. More.. skin.. touching .. mine ... you ... me ... feel ... quiver...

Closed curtains.

***

Thinking it through

2011-02-24T13:17:00.003+01:00

I was watching "Little House on the Prairie", the episode where they're snowed in at Christmas and Charles has to climb out of the loft window, walk over the three-metres high snow to the barn with his snow shoes on and get the presents. When he is back, Caroline and him are sitting by the open window, talking and in no hurry to close the window while downstairs, the fire is glowing.

And I thought about this (pleasant) carelessness and that we might never have it again, in any field. I can't turn on the heating as much as I'd really want to (I wouldn't mind 24°C in winter), let alone have it on while the window is open. We can't even just make a fire outside without thinking about it where ever it pleases us because wood/coal/fuel has become precious.

This led to more thinking: Whatever you do, if you think about the consequences, you can't do it. You (I) can't eat meat because animal farming is the main factor contributing to climate changes and global warming. Can't eat fish either because to "catch" the kind that you'd like on your plate, dozens of others are being killed.

So everything we do and the way we do it is determined by one of two factors: money and conscience. That sucks!

The way we are

2011-02-18T11:49:00.002+01:00

...actually the way I am but the "we" kind of sounds better.. now where did I steal that title...?

This is how my posts come to life: An idea comes to my mind, I think on it and then decide to write about it. While writing, I feel that I should add this or without that, it wouldn't be complete or this part should definitely be analysed. And then it goes way beyond that idea I first had in my mind. I reckon that 12 years of school and n years of university have spoilt me, have corrupted my way of briefly expressing my thoughts. You got graded better if you elaborately rolled out your ideas and chewed on them for pages and pages instead of just saying what you wanted to say and be done with it. Oh and a conclusion of course.. So there, blame it on education!

Romance - not quite a music review

2011-02-17T11:55:00.013+01:00

Some three years ago, we - a group of more or less musically challenged people - used to sing a lot and dedicate songs to one another. In the same vein, I once mentioned to S. that who ever would dedicate a certain song (you'll know later) to me and mean it, could be sure of my love (or something to that effect) forever. That brings me to another question: Do we love or like who loves us? I mean can you imagine someone telling you that they like you and you reply: 'Yea, but you suck.' Hardly..

But what I was actually getting at was this: A top ten list of the subjectively most romantic songs.

So here we go, in order of "romanticness":

1. I Walk Beside You - Dream Theater

“Let me know what plagues your mind

Let me be the one to know you best

Be the one to hold you up

When you feel like you’re sinking”

2. Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce

“If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I’d like to do

Is to save every day

Till eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you”

3. Für Immer Und Dich - Rio Reiser

“Ich lache für Dich, wein für Dich
Ich regne und ich schein für Dich
Versetz die ganze Welt für Dich
Für Dich und immer für Dich
Für immer und Dich“

(I’ll laugh for you, cry for you/ I’ll rain and I will shine for you/ Move the entire world for you// For you and always for you/ Forever and you)

4. Anyone Else But You - Moldy Peaches

"I'll kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train
I'll kiss you all starry eyed my body swingin' from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see
In anyone else but you"

5. I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi

"I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you"

6. Show Me Your Soul - Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Into my life you were injected
Not something that I expected
Now I smile from your affection
We have made a soul connection”

7. This One - Paul McCartney

"Did I ever take you in my arms,
look you in the eye, tell you that I do?
Did I ever open up my heart,
Let you look inside?"

8. Wie vor Jahr und Tag - Reinhard Mey

"Wie vor Jahr und Tag ist noch immerfort
Das Glück und dein Name dasselbe Wort
Allein, was sich geändert haben mag:
Ich lieb' dich noch mehr als vor Jahr und Tag"

(Just like days and years ago, the word for happiness rhymes with your name.
The only thing that might have changed is that my love's grown stronger yet than back that day)

9. Sunny - Paul Carrack

"Sunny, thank you for the sunshine bouquet.
Sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way.
You gave to me your all and all.
Now I feel ten feet tall.
Sunny one so true, I love you."

10. Une histoire d'amour - Mireille Mathieu

"Une histoire d'amour
C'est la chanson de l'océan, les nuits d'été
Un souvenir qui va durer l'éternité
Pour moi ce soir la vie s'en va mais notre amour
Ne finit pas"

(A love story, it is the song of the ocean, it's summer nights, a memory that's gonna last eternally.
The life is leaving me tonight but our love will never end)

So this is my personal little list, feel free to add your own favourites to it.

PS: The hyperlinks in the song titles take you to the songs, obviously.

PPS: The translation of the French and German songs are by me if you like them, and if you don’t, I found them somewhere on the net ;-)

poMEgranate

2010-12-31T12:27:00.007+01:00

A pomegranate,
leath'ry feel,
unimpressive outside,
a challenge to open up.

But once it's cracked,
you see the juices flowing,
a red, sweet, luscious liquid,
unstoppable and irresistible.

It is not one, not uniform,
it's thousand little seeds,
like thoughts, experiences
or personalities...

Happiness Hangover

2010-12-17T23:15:00.003+01:00

I'm alone. I sometimes (ok, often) feel that we're all little cubes, single cubes with smooth sides. We occasionally touch on the outside and then we slide on.. or whichever way cubes move. We talk but don't say anything. We want to share but nobody wants to listen. And can you blame them? Like if you're reading this, I probably half-forced you by putting this up as my status message.

We're too independent for our own good. We don't need anyone, we don't need help (or if we do, we must be weird), we don't need closeness. That's what we're telling ourselves and one another. Convincingly. Very.

Why am I saying "we"? I can't open up, I can't get close to anyone, I can't depend .. out of fear to get hurt, to bore, to bother, to become unwanted, avoided, rejected. So when I like you, like spending time with you too much, I'll avoid you. I'll avoid you until I don't need you anymore. Then only I'll come back. If I didn't, I would be this whining little thing, begging for your attention, for your care, even for your sympathy.

Why am I posting this here, in public ('cos which place could be more public than the net?), in a language that most everybody understands? Because nobody cares. Even if you read this, you won't remember it in a day. In a week if you know me.

I think that being a good listener doesn't just mean to listen. Listening is only one side, hmming at the right places, giving advice or feedback when asked. The other side is remembering what you heard.

Do you know why I'm being liked? Because I'm emanating positiveness, they say I'm this happy-go-lucky, funny girl. "You're always in a good mood, you're oozing happiness and joviality". And if not? If I get sad, moody, angry, whiny, cranky - will you leave me? Yes, you will. And if you don't, you'll at least want to but be too polite. Oh and to make it worse, you could ask me what is wrong. What came onto me, what happened.

Please please please please don't. Just let me breathe into your sweater for a while. Let me put my head on the spot between your shoulder and your chest, wrap your arms around me, rest your chin onto my hair and just say nothing..

Wat zullen we drinken...

2010-09-19T20:10:00.002+02:00

I'm listening to this song at least once or twice every day since Y. (thanks, babes ;-) ) sent me the link and now I would like to share it with you. I love it because somewhere deep down, I have Celtic roots - this kind of music touches them and makes them vibrate :-)

Of aggressive introverts and shy extroverts

2010-09-16T20:27:00.004+02:00

A couple of years ago, S. and I established what we are respectively: she very outgoing, self-confident bordering aggressive but introvert, me pathologically shy - those who know me would confirm my self-description - often politely reserved but basically extrovert.

Now the other day, Y. and I were talking about the differences between introverts and extroverts. He is one of the former ones, too. Doesn't like too many people around himself, his energy is taken up by those surrounding him and he needs solitude to recharge his batteries. Interestingly enough, it was him who did most of the talking that day and I liked that, I prefer being entertained to entertaining, call it laziness if you will..

So that's how it works: introverts lose energy by being with others while extroverts like me on the contrary recharge their batteries in company?!

That would explain a few things, like why I can't sleep, sometimes for days until I'm halfway unconscious from sleep deprivation (ok, I'm exaggerating but not by much) when I have friends staying with me - because my batteries are simply "overcharged". Or the fact that I leave refreshed from my favourite classes, even at 7 p.m.

Oh and speaking of class: I had a feeling today that the job I do is actually quite apt for a spoiled single child and attention hogger like me - it's like a children's birthday party where I always decide what we are playing, nobody dares contradicting me and I get all the attention ;-)

Punk's Not Dead

2010-08-11T00:34:00.004+02:00

The soul's not dead
it's harder but not stone
it's tough but still recipient
is breathing, squirming, moving.

The soul still burns with all its little flames
the jealous needles pricking
It hurts but waves of indiff'rence
are washing off the pain.

And reason holds the soul
so tightly in its clamps
the picture red and black
and grey and stealy blue.

Making a difference

2010-05-21T15:00:00.003+02:00

I was watching this really corny TV-show 7th Heaven (yea, shame on me, it's embarrassing) and this episode was about the difference Reverend Camden had made in all these people's lives. And that got me wondering: Are we all just "living around", doing our daily things and care about nothing but ourselves? Or are we making a difference just by thinking we do?

No great deeds on my record so far. Maybe I helped an old lady crossing the street, found someone who was lost and lent an ear more often than not. But does that count? Did it really change anything? At all?

Do I make a difference in my job? I want to believe that yes, that I'm enabling people to do something that they normally couldn't. But then does it really matter if that's me or somebody else? Or is that the wrong way of looking at it?

I want to make a difference, with big actions or little ones. But do I?

Up in the air

2010-02-21T00:09:00.012+01:00

Up in the air is a movie that tells the story of Ryan (George Clooney) who lives to crisscross the country and fire people as humanly as possible if their bosses are too chicken to do it themselves. He spends more time in airplanes than at home, is a special customer with hotel chains like the Hilton and perceives the 40 odd days a year that he actually has to live in his own apartment as miserable. Ryan has brought flying to perfection, packs super efficiently, knows which check-in lines take the longest and collects miles as an end in itself.

But in fact, it is a movie about a man whose motto in life is to travel light. No commitments, no strings, no faux sentiments or deep feelings. Possessions weigh you down, people hold you back.

It is also the story of Natalie (Anna Kendrick) who turned down her dream job in San Francisco to follow a man who might have been "the one" to Omaha where she turns Ryan's routine upside down by introducing a system that allows to fire people per video conference.

And then there is Alex (Vera Farmiga), apparent business woman on the outside, frequent flier just like Ryan. She is a lady with whom he spends pleasant moments - no strings attached - and who gets him thinking about his life as it is. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone besides you? Is life maybe better when you have company?

In the end, Ryan is back to square one. It turns out that his philosophy of life with the self-imposed rules of aloofness and distance is the best one, certainly for him. Natalie leaves the company after a lady she had to fire killed herself, and applies for the job of her dreams. The video system is dismissed. Ryan keeps living his life and Alex hers. Everybody wins - or almost.

Teaching today

2010-02-03T20:36:00.005+01:00

Could be the title of a magazine .. or maybe it is.

So .. what I noticed when working is that today, my hands (face, pants) aren't covered in chalk anymore but - me still being the same clumsy, messy girl - in four colours of whiteboard marker. Nice, eh.

And.. they say that you teach according to your own learning preferences - I never thought I did. I am a visual type (like many) but besides writing words down and making (admittedly horrible) drawings, I pronounce very clearly, make my students listen to texts and dialogues as well as talk a lot.
But lately I realised that I do teach the way I like to learn. I love to play. It's probably due to being a single child and not having girls my age in the village where I grew up - you can get me to do anything if you put it as a game or a dare.
So anyway, I didn't play enough as a child (that I mentally still am) and so I "force" my students to play little games in class more often than not. Mind you, my students are exclusively adults, aged from their early twenties to late fifties. Should that worry me?

PS: Sorry for being so Lorelai again ;-)

Energy

2010-01-29T13:21:00.004+01:00

Monday: A little note on the front door tells me that they'll switch off the electricity from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Friday. Five hours, so what. And I won't have to work that day anyway.

Friday: Being used to my early hours, my body isn't too angry with me for dragging it out of bed at 6.30ish. Time to bake the scones I prepared last night and to enjoy them with yesterday's jam. I try one, like it and decide to go back to bed an hour later. Reading in bed - isn't that the best on a workless day?!

11.45: Got up for the second time, and now I realise that my brain can't have been fully awake yet, otherwise I would have prepared tea as long as I could. The heating - cold. All electrical devices - dead. Gas stove? Haven't had one of those since my third last shared flat as a university student. And the camping stove is not really an option either.

12.00: One hour to go. The laptop battery promises to last for another hour and 18 minutes. Hopefully the electricity guys will be on time.
They say that you shouldn't open the fridge without need which makes sense. I could eat dry bread (ugh), eat raw eggs (ewwwwww) which I forgot to put in the fridge yesterday and drink cold water with blackcurrant juice (hmm). Or sweets. But no, there is the organic box! Apples, carrots, a grapefruit, lettuce and so on. Hmm. Hmmmmm. The vegetable box is outside my apartment door; that's where I keep onions and potatoes as well (small flat you see).
And everytime I go and get something from out there, I'm a little afraid that the door might close behind me, leaving me outside, dressed less than adequately ;-)

12:05: Apple and juice. And cereal - dared opening the fridge for ten seconds to grab milk and jam.

12.55: My hands are getting cold. 16°C inside, 1°C and snow fall outside. I have a feeling that the electricity won't be back at 1 p.m. on the dot. Let's see.

1:07: The power is back. Time to reset the clocks and yes, to post this story..

1:21: Why is the heating not showing any signs of warming up??

Intelligently dumb

2010-01-20T23:00:00.004+01:00

or: Why do people blog?

If you blog, you think you've got something to say. Something that will make the world a better place, that will make your readers more intelligent. Nobody who is writing a blog considers it a waste of webspace. We want to present ourselves and our abilities, be it poetry, sketching, prose, photography, movie and music reviews and what not.

The question that I'd like to have answered is: What made you start blogging in the first place? What was the trigger?

I Want An Apple or Scurvy?

2010-01-12T22:56:00.004+01:00

I was on vacation for ten days, UK again after two years, and before, we had been talking and drooling about all the delicacies we were going to indulge in: krispy kreme doughnuts (yes, they're different), all sandwich varieties, cheese and onion pasty, chips (= thick cut fries) with salt and vinegar, shortbread, mint flavoured kitkats and and and...

So we did. As we couldn't cook there, not even microwave, vegetables weren't present much. Bramley apples figured everywhere so we had to give them a try as well - turns out they're rather sour and unfold their aroma in cooked dishes only, so that was not a hit either. I seriously feared scurvy at some point. "No, there is lettuce on the sandwich", "The doughnut had a raspberry filling" or "I had apple juice for breakfast and a raisin in my cereal" were the phrases we used to reassure ourselves and each other ;-)

Now I'm back and I badly crave an apple. A carrot. Some salad.

Luckily tomorrow is Wednesday - vegetable box day :D

Throwing knowledge

2009-12-27T00:21:00.003+01:00

Christmas 2009, parents' house. (I don't say home because I don't consider the place, the small town, the mindset my home.. anymore or never have, I'm not sure.) My mother is urging me again to throw away the big folders that I've left behind when I moved back in on the way from L. to F.

"You will never look at them again."
"I will, I need them."
"If you needed them, you would take them with you. Of what use can they be here?"

I can't take them with me and don't want to. Maybe I wouldn't even miss them if they got lost, along with the other stuff with which I'm cluttering their house. But I can't get myself to throw away these folders.. all the knowledge I have gathered in the first five or the second two years at university, witnesses of a great time I had, learning, meeting people, partying, laughing, singing, screaming and crying.

You can't throw away that knowledge, can you?!

Ugh no!

2009-11-17T15:06:00.011+01:00

And of course, there are things I detest:

• men with long fingernails
• coffee breath
• the combination shorts - sandals - socks
• high pitched voices, especially with men
• getting up early if I have to
• rain for days on end
• day 2 to 4 of a cold
• beet root
• people who lie to me so blatantly that I'm bound to find out
• the smell of cooked parsley (just thinking of it makes me feel all queasy)
• getting up when it's still dark (however I like going to bed when it's already light)
• drivers who take ages to get going on a traffic light so that it turns red right before me
• shopping for clothes and shoes, especially if I need something specific
• techno music
• coriander leaves.. don't you agree that they taste like soap? (yes, I've tried..)

(to be continued)

Yes!

2009-11-16T13:00:00.008+01:00

There is this song by Rolf Zuckowski where he and a bunch of kids sing what all they like...

I like:
• the sound of the first hot water drops when they hit the tea leaves
• men with long clean hair
• being inside when it rains
• rolling around in the sand when it's warm
• surprising people and being surprised
• singing without care
• presents and sms
• caramel ice-cream with pecans in it
• staying up and sleeping in
• smiles and laughs
• the shock of the cold sea on a hot beach day
• big waves and strong wind
• kisses and caresses
• furry animals
• blue and rainbows
• avocado sushi
• violins in a metal band

Talking Inspiration

2009-10-25T21:28:00.003+01:00

I was spending the afternoon with two friends, a girl and a man. And while we were talking, it occured to me every now and then that this might be worth writing something about it.

Am I getting a bit weird(er) now by screening conversations for blog material? Maybe. But I think a few topics do have potential: 1) A compliment guide for men and women, 2) Things (not) to do when you just started dating and 3) umm .. err.. I forgot but will add it in case I remember later.

Perhaps I should take little notes when talking to people. Now that would be really weird, wouldn't it? ;-)

11 years later

2009-10-19T20:28:00.007+02:00

13 June 1998, Turin. I had been studying in Geneva for about four months now, with the visit of my friend here finally met the right people at the right places - local headbangers from the city and the bordering France - don't ask where you meet those ;-).

And so we reach Turin in the late sunny morning after a three-hour-journey in a bus full of metal-heads (metal fans are perfectly nice and polite, believe me). Destination: the Monsters Of Rock festival, one day of finest hard rock and metal of all kinds and colours.

And the second last act (the concert having started with lesser known acts as Hammerfall or Uli John Roth - remember, we are talking 1998 here - and according to schedule ending with the great Deep Purple), opening with a red red light show, is DREAM THEATER.

Leap in time: 18 October 2009, Frankfurt, Jahrhunderthalle, 10 p.m. The three supporting acts Unexpect, Bigelf and Opeth have finally finished (not that I didn't like them but: I WANT DREAM THEATER!!!)

Guitar sounds and drum beats are permeating the black curtain which is removed suddenly. A Nightmare To Remember begins: an instrumental intro before singer James LaBrie comes running on stage and starts singing with piercing intensity.

A video screen on the back of the stage shows films and scenes from the stage - I don't need that, I'm standing in the third row, two metres away from the stage, just separated by two fans, one security man with a poker face and a low fence.

One and a half hours of pure bliss follow in which all five musicians show once again that they excel on their instruments and - especially Mike Portnoy, John Petrucci and Jordan Ruddess - fully enjoy themselves and what they are doing.

My favourites of the evening? Hard to say but I would go for Sacrificed Sons and the encore The Count Of Tuscany.

And oh yea, I had to have this shirt:

Shades of curiousity

2009-10-10T15:17:00.005+02:00

I see them passing by
not knowing where they go
nor when they're coming back

They stumble in and out my life.
I'm well allowed to ask them,
am not entitled to replies

I have to twist my words
- if you offend the shadows
they punish you: they don't come back

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!!!

2009-10-04T14:40:00.004+02:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTAHHH!!!

I'm very lucky to have you in my life. You make me see that growing up doesn't have to go hand in hand with becoming sensible or having an answer to everything. You don't have to be all serious and normal but can remain silly, smart and foolish.

Love you lots and wish you a rocking day and an awesome year ahead with tons of hugs and kisses!

PS: This thistle is like you - a beautiful vibrant wild growing thing :-).

Speed

2009-10-01T23:45:00.005+02:00

Remember that movie Speed where they couldn't go below 50 mph? Well, for me it seems to be 130 km/h when I'm driving on the Autobahn. Even at dusk, even at night, even with rain and wet roads.

What am I afraid of? That a bomb could blow up my car? Not very likely. That speeding is the only way to escape an accident? Err.. Traffic jam maybe? The boredom of a 300 km drive? Do I have to prove to myself that I can set new records for that distance and that I can catch up those lost 20 minutes during rush hour?

Either way, I won't change because I don't want to change and I think that I'm a good enough and rather reasonable driver (no risky overtaking manoeuvres, no microsleep, no headphones) to allow myself the need for speed.

Imagine if I had a bike...

The missing gene

2009-09-29T21:56:00.003+02:00

What the heck is wrong with me? What gene am I missing that keeps people from hurting themselves all the time? Or is there a gene that's responsible for extra clumsiness? I must have three of them.

Wanna hear about my (not atypical) morning? After work, I was on my way with the scooter (purchased yesterday) when I suddenly lost control (no idea how that happened), practically flew over that thing, skinned my knee, damaged my new pants and lost my mobile which I noticed only 300 metres ahead. Luckily, the person who found it was honest and smart enough to call some of the numbers I had dialled last and so my friend could pick it up. Phew, one problem out of three solved ;-)

But the question remains: Where is the missing gene?

So what

2009-09-13T19:24:00.004+02:00

I hate gravity when I'm buffing jewellery.
- But wouldn't it be more difficult to pick up the beads from the ceiling?

I hate that rolls are the hottest when they're the tastiest.
- And doesn't that teach me a little patience?

I hate that I mess up a perfect dish in the last moment.
- The good thing however is that I always have a plan B.

I hate that I end up with ink all over myself when I refill printer cartridges.
- Oh well, save money or mess - the choice is mine.

I hate that a catastrophe happens whenever I complain that my life is boring.
- But yes, I learned not to complain for no reason.

But seriously..

2009-09-02T15:12:00.006+02:00

Serious question: Does alcohol in general taste bitter? Or vodka? Or cheap vodka? Why I am asking? Because I made this Dooley's fake and when I had some on ice-cream last night, I found it having a slightly bitter aftertaste.

When we were kids (10, 11, 12ish), my cousin and I loved birthday parties at our grand-parents' as grandma would sometimes give us each one of those chocolate lined little wafercups, filled with heavily diluted advocaat. We loved that stuff. Another forbidden pleasure was orange slices dipped in the same liquor, let's not tell mum...

The funny thing is that when I was an adult and would have been allowed to that, I didn't feel like it at all. I had an unexplicable bad feeling and stayed away for some years. Now it has kind of normalised, I drink socially, like cocktails, don't mind wine.

Still an "eww, no thanks, can I have water instead please": coffee.

Psychedelic Sandwich

2009-08-28T13:37:00.006+02:00

.

***
PS: No post processing whatsoever, just taken with an exposure of about 20 seconds.

Superficially unhappy

2009-08-22T21:57:00.004+02:00

Can you do that for me please? - Ok.

Aren't you happy for me? - Of course I am.

How are you? - I'm good.

What are you doing for me? No, I'm not happy, I'm dead-jealous. And I'm bad, I'm unhappy, I'm crappy, life sucks, for no reason. Leave me alone.

Hottest day or Woodstock or Know-it-all

2009-08-19T23:28:00.006+02:00

Warm, I'm warm
Bear me, I couldn't
Folk music following me
What does it want?

LSD for dinner, crack for dessert
Mediocre performance
Violent dreams keep my eyes open
Go away.

Dust turning to mud
Jump, sing
No energy left
Cheers to imperfection!

Talismans

2009-08-13T17:52:00.006+02:00

K. showed me his new picture and my attention was drawn to something. "What's that around your neck?", I asked. "My mum sent it and asked me to wear it. It's some religious symbol, I don't know exactly." "You wear it just like that without knowing what it means?" "Well, it means a lot to her and I don't mind, so.."

A. was wearing a silver ring I liked. "Show me please.". He took it off and handed it to me. Спаси и сохрани (rescue and save) was engraved on it. I looked at him questioningly when I returned the ring. "I got it in church, to be reminded that god is watching over me."

S. doesn't take a step without a few Ganeshas at her side. Don't take me too literal - one is on a ribbon around her neck, another one in a small tin, watching over the chewing gum ;-). No offense please, that's a joke I cracked when she offered me gum and I saw the little figurine in there. She laughed.

A talisman, a lucky charm, a symbol whatsoever - I want that. A charm bracelet is not the same nor is the little silver Sardinia I brought back to remember that beautiful place. It has to be something someone gave to you, that bears their good wishes for you, that is supposed to protect you and that you must never take off. Probably that is all superstition but I like the idea of carrying a piece of someone (that sounds gory but you know what I mean), or a piece of their mind if you will.

Of course it has to be someone special who gives it to you, like a family member, a close friend, your love. Maybe I am weird (definitely I am but maybe this is weird.. gee, I'm so Lorelai..) but what I would like best is something that the other person wore before (remember, we're still talking about a charm, not clothes or something like that!), which would make it even more part of them and their history - and now part of mine...

***

PS: I apologise for the excessive use of hyperlinks lately but since I figured out how that works, it is my favourite toy ;-)

Little Differences

2009-08-12T18:30:00.004+02:00

Germany is not a particularly big country (ok, it's not Luxemburg size either), so you would expect the people with their one language, one tradition, one culture to be more or less the same. They are not.

And I am not only talking about the still obvious differences between East and West. Yes, they are there, definitely still in my generation though I was 13 when the Wall came down. Different school and kindergarten memories, different holiday locations, different childhood heroes (Krtek and Nu Pagadi for me, can't stand Augsburger Puppenkiste), second anthem in our life - a fact that confuses me as much as our Michael Ballack (one day younger than me exactly) and Bernd Schneider (just pay attention at the beginning of the next Germany - whoever game).

But what I am actually getting at is the differences between two regions of the same "side", barely 250 km away from one another - Hessen (Frankfurt area) and Nordrhein-Westfalen (greater Düsseldorf). I have been living in the former for almost five years now and believe it or not, didn't make a single friend among the locals. And it's not that I am exceptionally unsocial, S., my Hindi classmate from Hamburg and first friend in this hostile city has the same problem. And so does C., a fellow Eastern girl.

Then I met M. (many of you will know her, too), who lives in the latter area, and her friends. They are different from me and from my "usual crowd". Normal people, sometimes crude, unpretentious but warm, affectionate and sincere. It didn't take me long to like them nor them to like me. You might interject that I met them through M. only, that it would be another thing to meet them by myself. I don't think so, they are just what they are, know them or don't, meet them this way or another. Is it the climate? The dialect? The industrial area? Either way, the differences are there.

Midsummer Nostalgia

2009-08-11T14:48:00.007+02:00

I drove back from D. last night after having spent a long weekend there, mostly in my friend's garden, doing a fulfilling lot of nothing.

And there it was again, that stretch inside me, that pulling on my soul that comes with the smell of flowers in a summer night, with their sight against the dark sky, that doesn't say what it wants nor where it wants me. All it says is: not here. And not now.

The summer night's got so much potential, its scent caressing my skin like dark blue velvet. I want to follow it, want it so badly. I get lost. A light breeze tugging on my mind, pulling my thoughts away to the corner of memories. Sweet.

I brush it off, together with those tears.

***

Soundtrack to the post

Is money the base?

2009-08-03T18:03:00.005+02:00

"Wir leben in einer Welt, in der Geld die Basis ist" - so said one of the presidents of the DBU (German Buddhist Union) when confronted with the fact that the Dalai Lama's visit to Frankfurt was commercialised to no end, entry prices up to 200 € including.

It seems strange and scary to me if even a committed buddhist sees money as the base of the world. What happened to the ideals? Are we all material and materialistic? Do we need money to prove our own value? Does it mean I am less intelligent if I make less money than others?
"They say money is the root of all evil. But what is the root of money?"

Lots of questions, few answers. Or are there?

Missed you

2009-07-27T01:17:00.006+02:00

This past weekend, my friend F. was here to visit. He used to be my roommate for five years and two apartments, until six years ago. We live about 600 km apart now but are still in touch, still friends. And while we're apart, we're both fine, living our respective lives, having a good time. Now when we met for the first time in 1.5 years, I realised that I missed him. We had so much fun all weekend and didn't even get around to doing all the great things that were on the list.

Similar with N. We are the kind of friends who can be out of touch for months, no expectations, no pressure. And then we meet again...

Or Av. We used to chat almost daily, text each other and occasionally talk on the phone during the past weeks, our conversations getting more and more intense with time. Due to his tight work schedule and my visitor, we hardly talked at all since maybe a week. I was fine, didn't care, busy with training, new student and my weekend visitor. Today, we talked for a longer time again and all of a sudden it hit me that I had missed him quite a bit.

Is it just me or has anybody else experienced that - not missing a person much while they're gone but realising that there had been a void when you get back together?

About Last Night (not quite a film review)

2009-07-22T09:05:00.009+02:00

It is 1986 in Chicago, 20 something Danny meets Debbie, same age, at a baseball game, looks are exchanged between the two. Afterwards he walks up to her, they get to talk and finally end up in bed that very night. And then again. And again.

So far so simple but Debbie has an affair with her boss and Danny believes a bit too much in his friend and colleague Bernie's advice ('You called her three times? Never call a broad more than twice a week!').

Debbie and Danny start falling in love, she breaks up with her boss, and in the morning of one night, Danny offers Debbie "a drawer". Next thing we see is Debbie informing her long-term friend and room mate Joan that she's moving in with Danny. Joan couldn't be less thrilled.

Shortly after they move in together, the problems start. Danny feels that Debbie('s stuff) is taking over the place, that there are too many changes. Debbie can see that he has had an awful day at work but to her question if everything is alright, he replies 'yes'. She feels forced to snoop around in order to find out anything about Danny at all that will help her to get closer to him. He won't open up, claiming that he just doesn't want to make her unhappy. Under tears she tells him that she is not unhappy.

The rest is not surprising. Both feel hemmed in by the relationship and so they decide to seperate even though they still love each other. Long story short: Things end well, and yay, we get a happy ending.

So far so cliché but as this is an 80s movie (part of my movie watching project), I asked myself a couple of questions while watching it: Did people move in faster? Were they more naive, more trusting or was it not that big a deal? Today, we are thinking and considering and reconsidering and weighing our options - was that different back then? And: Did people, especially men, generally avoid talking about their feelings, bottling them inside themselves until one day they would explode? If so, then I know at least one guy who would very well fit into that decade ;-)

Anyway, it was a nice film, one of the Brat Pack movies, nothing spectacular but entertaining, directed by Edward Zwick and with beautiful actors like Demi Moore as Debbie and Rob Lowe (*drool*) as Danny.

Oh, and if you think this review is too long - keep it to yourself - or the movie too old - that's what they call a classic.

Coming of Age

2009-07-19T03:55:00.007+02:00

kid wants to play in the grown-ups' court
cannot reach to the shelf but won't listen to 'no'
kid wants to read all the grown-ups' books
cannot understand a word but so sure doesn't care

go, kid, and play with the other kids
go and have fun, leave the worries to us
wait till you grow up, wait till you get wise
we will heap responsibilities on you then

go, kid, and play, let your kite fly high
the era of innocence, enjoy while it lasts
bye kid, now run, I will wave after you
fall and stand up, little steps at a time

Original Of The Species

2009-07-12T22:24:00.006+02:00

Just like we sometimes pull people into our life because we subconsciously need them at that moment in time (more about that in a later post), we occasionally get exactly the kind of music that speaks to us. For me right now it is U2's How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb and there particularly the song that gave the title to this post.

Music can be soothing they say (ugh, I don't want to be soothed). But what music does to me is putting things into perspective, to get me out of the blues (try Gary Moore's Still Got The Blues - ironic, I know) and to show me that it's silly wasting time being scared.

'Baby slow down
The end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your heart'

I'm not the only one feeling the way I do and at the same time I'm special to some. You know that but I keep forgetting it, oh well .. just need a reminder every now and then. And no, I won't mind if you tell it to me ;-)

'And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel ‘cos I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not'

I don't believe in modesty, I said so before. What we take for being humble is mostly fake. Why fake modesty if you can carry out real confidence? Not bragging, not telling the world that you are the greatest. But know what you can and accept recognition with a smile.

'Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it'

"We will kiss until we achieve perfection in it." - "And then, are we going to quit?" - "Well, we will mess up deliberately, so that we can keep practising." Isn't that a lovely perspective? The best..

'Some things you shouldn't get too good at
Like smiling, crying and celebrity'

(lyrics borrowed from Original Of The Species, of course)

Imbalance

2009-07-05T22:27:00.004+02:00

When I look at my latest posts, I see that it's mainly pictures or poems or a mix of both. Every time I try prose, just narrating what I think the result is crap. I feel imbalanced, I'm unhappy with my writings, I feel it's superficial and meaningless, just blabber. That's the reason my other post of today got deleted - self-censoring.

Maybe it's because I'm unhappy with myself at this moment, with my life. I'm achieving nothing, I'm inactive .. and don't tell me it's good to be lazy sometimes. I'm like a lizzard without enjoying to be one, I risk to get caught and lose my tail. It's just a figure of speech but you know what I mean.

I have lost the ability to express my thoughts, lost the "knack" N. said I have. Or have my thoughts just become plain boring? Maybe both.
I can't finish anything, not even the smallest task. I hate it that I am like that, hate that I can't seem to change it.

There is no inspiration to paint either. When I think of all the things I have to do this week, it scares me to tears. I panic in a way that I get completely paralysed and I have no one to talk to about it. It's worse today than other days .. must be the Sunday effect. Let me try to get over with the day and look tomorrow in the eye.

Where

2009-07-03T11:33:00.006+02:00

Where do the words go,
everything you ever typed?
Where do ideas go,
all the ones that you thought?

Where do the sounds go,
all the songs that you sing?
Where do your feelings go,
every thing that you touched?

Where is your strength, determination, conviction, the plans,
what happened to them?
Do we misplace our love, trade in our mind
for a calm life, for comfort, for rationality?

Self-portrait of the artist as a young woman

2009-06-30T12:40:00.004+02:00

Sunshine Lollipop

2009-06-24T13:22:00.006+02:00

I'm not going to write much in this post because it is a task for you. What do you feel about these pictures? And why do they make you feel this way? And finally: which one is sunset and which one sunrise?

Procrastinating

2009-06-23T23:23:00.005+02:00

I should apply for new jobs.
I should run.
I should study and do homework.
I should upload pictures.
I should write critiques.
I should go out.
I should sweep.
I should look for a GP.
I should do laundry.
I should get up early.
I should read the unread books.
I should watch the unseen movies.
I should keep my blog updated.
I should finally write that review.

Instead, I do nothing. I postpone the job search, I rewatch old serials, I spend my time surfing the net to gather information about polymer clay and beading, I bead and clay, I take photos out of my window and inside my flat. I wait for summer.

I wait for a miracle.

Dag/ Jour 7 - Brussels

2009-06-03T23:02:00.002+02:00

+ Last day, last opportunity to buy souvenirs (in the form of sweets and postcards), last time to make a complete mess by eating a gaufre au caramel et à la crême fraîche (waffle with caramel and cream), to check if Manneken Pis is wearing clothes today (he isn't), to find the original Neuhaus chocolate shop, the one that started in 1825 as a pharmacy where chocolate was prescribed as medicine (:D) and to see my friends before they're gonna be four (9th June) instead of three.

+ Morning at the bus stop: A slightly dirty and smelly drunk/stoned/weird young guy walks up to me, asks me something which I don't quite understand and tell him no. Enters the bus before me, buys a ticket, doesn't quite know which way to put it into the machine. Gives the following explanation to the bus driver "I'm a little distracted, I'm in love". After he finally manages and walks off, the driver says to me with a wink "She must be so happy..." ;-)

+ Okay, dear followers of Saltyyfish's Guide to Belgium, that was it. I survived, had fun, will come back with minor injuries only and herewith close my travel diary. Any questions and remarks are welcome of course.

The end - la fin - het einde

***

Jour 6 - Dinant, Namur

2009-06-02T20:53:00.006+02:00

+ Digging into Wallonia today, the French speaking part of Belgium. Dinant is a little town with a big citadel which - bien sûr - we had to visit. By cablecar that we first didn't find. "Ask somebody!" How to ask if I couldn't remember the French word for it to save my life. Anyway, we found it and now I know what it is called: téléphérique.

+ Anyone of you into Jazz? You must be grateful to the man from Dinant, Adolphe Sax, who invented... exactly:

+ Another town - Namur, capital of Wallonia, about ten times the size of Dinant (and the dust and the building sites) - another citadel. Phew...

+ My mum's guide book mentions Namur as a the gourmet capital of Belgium and it led us to a cafe called La Maison des desserts. And it rightfully bears this name *drools*. We bought a little package of a local delicacy, Bietrumé, which is some kind of chewy caramel, made from butter, sugar and hazelnuts, and something I have been craving for since I first saw them: Macarons, very colourful, very tender, very perfumed taste :/.

Jour/ Dag 5 - Brussels

2009-06-01T18:26:00.012+02:00

+ Ever been inside an iron crystal? :D Well, I have today, so I can tell you that it's hot (no AC) and a bit like you would imagine the insides of a spaceship.

Ok ok, the solution to the riddle - the Atomium, built for the Expo in 1958 in the shape of a unit cell of an iron crystal magnified 165 billion times. The whole thing was (similar to the Eiffel Tower) supposed to remain there for just six months but well, it's 51 years now.

+ 27 countries in three hours - woohoo!! Try and beat that ;-). Mini-Europe makes it possible. You find miniature buildings and places from all 27 EU-nations on a scale of 1:25, starting with the building of the European Commission in Brussels itself. In the park, I saw some (real) ducks and dragonflies - now imagine the freakishly giant animals if these are 1:25 as well...

Jour/ Dag 4 - Brussels

2009-06-01T18:13:00.012+02:00

+ Technically, Brussels is bilingual, French and Dutch. Practically it is mostly French that is spoken and that allows you to get by almost everywhere. Strange.

+ Travelling with my mother is really great but also very exhausting. Great because I get to see a lot of things and places, more than when travelling on my own or with friends because we plan more and she informs beforehand. Exhausting because I have to do all the planning, organising and itinerary forming. And we can never just walk around aimlessly, there always has to be a next destination, a reason to go somewhere, a sight worth seeing. Phew..

+ Visited the Musée du chocolat et du cacao this morning, complete with demonstration and tasting. Yummy!

+ Talked mum into trying a regional specialty, Waterzooi, which was kind of a stew with fish and seashells. I would never eat something like that ;-)

+ Made an observation today or yesterday: Belgium "shuts down" at around 6.00 to 6.30 pm. Shops close, museums won't let you in anymore and even churches start kicking you out. And it doesn't matter much which part of the country you are in.

+ Oh and speaking of churches: they are beautiful, no doubt. But as soon as I enter one, I feel my church allergy breaking out again, thinking how the priests must have squeezed the money to build these churches out of poor believers centuries ago.

In case you miss me

2009-05-28T21:42:00.011+02:00

or Belgium for everyone or Look, tdm, I can, too ;-)

I'm travelling Belgium for a week from today with my mum and plan to write a little travel diary.

Day 1 - Brussels:

+ four hour journey - rain, shine, rain, shine, rain, shine!!!

+ "You can park in the yard, no problem", that's what my friends told me the first time I visited them at their new place. And so I did today when we arrived before them. Left and at our return an hour later, my little car was blocked by a huge vehicle. First argh. Later, when we were to move on to the other place, there was a hand-written note on the windshield: Private parking space. Last warning! Big argh!! Interestingly, I never got a first or second warning :/

+ Took my laptop with me in order to transfer photos from my camera every night. And just for the heck of it, I checked if there was one or the other open wireless network around - and yay! there are :-) So I hope to write something here every day.

Dag 2 (aha!) - Oostende, De Haan, Brugge

+ Lovely beach, sunny weather but Oostende is a relatively ugly place. Plus there is construction going on all over town. Someone asked the following question:

(So much of digging and still no treasure?)

+ "There is Dover!" "Where?" "Over there! (pointing to the horizon)" "Oh yea, now I can see it, too" So what if we just saw a far away containership..

+ We both don't like fries, normally never eat them, but in De Haan, we decided that at least once, we should have the Belgian national dish. All the food in this "friet kot" was deep-fried, add the famous chocolate and beer to that and you are surprised that not every Belgian is rolling instead of walking.

+ Went on a boat tour along the canals of Brugge and had a very entertaining captain: "To the left, you see a brewery. The water used for this beer comes from the canal and the beer is destined for export only.". "Now we are passing the lowest bridge in Brugge, please don't stand up. By the way, this is where I lost my hair."

+ Oh, and a little footnote: Somehow there is a wrong connection in my mind. It thinks that you can get sunburned only during actual beach holidays, not on a city trip. Alas ...

Dag 3 - Antwerpen, Gent

+ The most brillant part of Antwerpen is the Diamant Museum. I want all of them, or at least a pair of little diamond ear studs, half a carat each, from one of the numerous jewellery shops in the "diamond area" - for the modest price of 2650,- €.

+ Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch! My shin hurts after i missed the last step of stone stairs on Thursday :(. How do you know if you've broken something?

+ ".. en twee postzegels voor Duitsland aub." "Wow, u spreekt goed Nederlands!" "Dank u, ik heb het ooit geleerd." "Heel goed, echt!" *pats own back*
I'm always amazed when I understand people speaking Dutch, they understand me and don't even have the urge to switch to English or German. This was the first open compliment I got, so apparently my Dutch isn't as rusted as I was afraid it might be :D

ACHEMA 2009

2009-05-18T02:29:00.006+02:00

The book fair, a music fair, an art and crafts fair, that's where you would expect to find me. But the ACHEMA? The 29th International Exhibition-Congress on Chemical Engineering, Environmental Protection and Biotechnology? Hmm...

Have I all of a sudden discovered my long dormant interest in natural sciences and engineering? Not really. But still, I went to that fair, feeling a little bit out of place from the beginning and earned quite a few looks - admiring, disapproving, plain curious - it's hard to say. The men-women ratio at the fair was about 9:1. And then I wasn't dressed like your typical congress attending business lady, in costume or pantsuit, nor like one of the few female students, in worn out jeans and T-shirts. So you can imagine that I stood out a little.

I walked through the endless corridors, from one moving walkway to the next, escalator up, escalator down, trying not to lose orientation until I reached Hall 9, the engineering hall. Because - and now we are coming to the purpose of my visit to ACHEMA - that's where the friend I was going to meet had his stall. I roamed around the stands at H21, hoping to see my friend. When I had surrounded the area twice without having seen him, but not without being watched intensely and with slight suspicion, I messaged him to learn that he would be back in 15 minutes.

What followed was a quarter of an hour well spent. I was strolling through the aisles, amazed by the passion and earnest all these people were displaying. Shocked by my own entire and complete ignorance, and deeply amused about slogans like "We bring plastic in shape" or for some sealing device "Nothing may come out". Not so funny now but on the spot, I really had to work on not bursting into laughter. So (not only because of this) I was relieved to finally see my friend..

I'm sure you read this, so I want to say thanks again, it was great meeting you, and you also provided me with an experience I normally wouldn't have had ;-)

Ground Rules

2009-05-10T01:42:00.003+02:00

I haven't written much lately. I started writing this blog because I wanted to have a place to puke out my thoughts and emotions in order not to run amok in "real" life. I wanted a valve. But then a few people started reading my blog and commenting on it. And that made me all conscious. It's just like on TrekLens where I take ages to decide on a photo to post because people started watching me.

My sister reads my blog, one friend tagged me, another one advises me not to publish too personal stuff, one person thinks he knows me because he has read a couple of my posts. I know you all mean well but I will go back to square one, follow the rule again that I made when I started this thingy: If you like what I am writing, I'm happy. If you don't, I couldn't care less.

So if what I am writing doesn't make sense, appears useless or foolish to you - I don't give a damn.

Symbolism

2009-04-29T00:15:00.001+02:00

Push

2009-04-20T09:32:00.004+02:00

The end of something,
The start of something new.
Maybe. I hope. I want.

It's been so long I took a risk.
Or have I never?
Was I too scared, too lazy?

This time it's different.
I go for it, I want.
Out of so many passions follow one.

Inspired

2009-04-07T09:03:00.006+02:00

A cloud, a plant, reflection on a wave, a song
The forms behind which inspiration hides.
A brush, a pen, a key, a string, a hammer
The instruments to tease her out.

With curiosity and passion you I beckon
You cave, not always but more yes than not.
"In dreams I'll come, if you can't see me, sleep
Wake up and you will feel the shades of mine."

Random Thoughts

2009-03-29T11:52:00.005+02:00

I think that for everyone, there is one person (at a time) who loves you and one person whom you love. Ideally, it's the same. Often it is not..

Is love an "upgrade" to friendship or is it just a different feeling? How come that the transfer from friendship to love is very possible, love to friendship however extremely rare?

Is friendship the base for everything? Could I love someone with whom I can't imagine to be friends?

I have heard from several people that loving means to be happy when the loved person is, even if it is without you, that love is your personal thing and doesn't really have anything to do with the other. Is it, really? Am only I so selfish that I want him to be happy with me? It's not that I'd want him to be unhappy if he doesn't love me, I would just stop loving him after some time.

What is love anyway? The all consuming passionate "I can't live without you and would rather kill myself than trying" feeling from the movies? I seriously doubt it (or to say it with Sheldon "I hardly think so"). Maybe it is much more silent and has many different ways of expressing itself. Someone who bears with your moods. Who travels 200 km by train to drive you back in your own car because you have fallen ill at your friend's place. Who does your taxes for you. Who makes an effort to please your parents. Who doesn't criticise but supports all your attempts.

If I were proposed for marriage, white gold ring with solitaire sapphire surrounded by little diamonds (Libran after all) included, would I squeak and jump at his neck or would I think: What a waste, think of all the photo equipment I could have had for that money?

When do you stop being a child? When are you allowed to take your own decisions, however risky they may be? Without answering to anyone, especially not your mother? When will you be trusted to have enough common sense to do the right thing even far away from home?

Questions over questions... and you say you feel interrogated - when I don't even have answers to myself..

100 Ways To Kill Your Laptop

2009-03-26T17:32:00.005+01:00

"Windows is trying to initiate software.." (a software that you had been using for the past five months without any problem). You are trying to install an update to a program and after making you wait for several minutes, it succinctly tells you "X has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.". Every time you insert a DVD, start the DVD program and just think about maximising the window, your entire system freezes. And of course your computer takes an eternity between the moment you press the On-button and the time you can safely start using any software.

I don't know about you but in these situations, I get so angry at my laptop that the word "DESTROY" is blinking red in my eyes. Feel the same? Here's what you can do:

1 - Be careless. Use a cheap, not cushioned bag to carry your laptop and don't be particularly attentive when it comes to avoiding obstacles. Move your laptop abruptly while it is switched on.

2 - Drop it. That one is definitely the fastest method and doesn't require further explanation. Depending on how much time you have at your disposal, let the laptop fall from your desk onto a chair or the floor.

3 - Hit it. Your laptop doesn't do what you want it to do? The system froze? The Internet connection is flaky? Hit it, with your flat hand or fist. This is even more effective if you know where exactly its "heart" and "brain" are located.

4 - Drown it. Works just as well with plain water as with ginger tea, coke, milk or any other fluid of your choice. If you turn the laptop around and dry it carefully, it might survive the attack but who would want that?

5 - Squeeze it. Squeeze it? Yes, squeeze the display. The procedure is simple: You bend the upper part towards you to easily access the laptop's back where you want to pull a number of plugs. Instead of holding it by a safe corner, you keep your fingers about 2 cm further down. When you're done unplugging and bend the display back to the initial position - oops, black screen!

These methods are tested and approved by me personally, I know that they are efficient. For numbers 6 to 100, I hope for your contribution. So if you have ever willingly or unwillingly harmed, damaged or killed your laptop (somebody else's works just as well), please don't hesitate to share your tips :-D

The Breakfast Club

2009-03-18T15:03:00.007+01:00

How do you review the movie that you like the most? How do you transfer the calmly burning enthusiasm without giving away too much? Without repeating the contents of every other critique? I have no idea but I know I must try.
___

... The Breakfast Club has been released in the United States of 1985 and was directed by John Hughes, Jr. It is a movie full of music. The theme song, Simple Minds' 'Don't You (Forget About Me)' is the motive of the whole film. The movie is minimalistic, the setting for the biggest part of it is the library of a high school in a Chicago suburb. None of the dialogues is redundant, there are no lengths and the ending is as positive as it is poignant.

... Five high school students who couldn't be more diverse from one another have to spend a whole precious Saturday in detention. They are referred to as "a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, a criminal" and that's how they initially see themselves. "We were brainwashed."

... Indifference, dislike, loyalty facing the authoritarian frustrated principal, rejection, interest, honesty, recognition and attraction - those are the stages these five youths are going through within nine hours of their life.

... There is Brian, an A student, coming from the perfect family, having the perfect GPA, living the perfect life his parents expect him to.
... Andrew, wrestler in the school team, aiming for a sports scholarship, who does whatever to impress his dad.
... Allison, who does everything to get attention and disappears behind a self-erected protective wall of hair and hood.
... Claire, the princess, so unbelievably popular, who feels crushed between her parents' endless fights and her friends' constant pressure.
... And John, unadapted rebel, criminal, born agent provocateur who won't let anyone scratch the surface.

Nine hours are a long time.
... A time to impress ("So, what's your poison? What do you drink?" - "Vodka!" - "Vodka? When do you drink Vodka?" - "Whenever." - "A lot?" - "Tonsss."),
... to threaten ("I don't wanna get into this with you, man." - "Why not?" - "Because I'd kill you."),
... to provoke ("What's that?" - "Sushi." - "Sushi?" - "Rice, raw fish and seaweed." - "You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, but you eat that?"),
... to hit ("Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor."),
... to run ("Being bad feels pretty good, huh?"),
... to protect ("We're dead." - "No. Just me."),
... to laugh ("Was it a hand gun?" - "No, it was a flare gun. It went off in my locker." - "Really?" [laughter] "That's not funny! ... Okay, it is." [grins]),
... to feel and talk ("We're all weird. Some of us just hide it better."),
... to care ("Why are you so nice to me?" - "Because you're letting me."),
... to open up ("Were you or were you not motioning to Claire? - "Yeah, but .. it was only ... because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin.")
... and to love ("Why did you do that?" - "Because I knew you wouldn't.").

... One thing remains: this Saturday doesn't transform them into better people. It is uncertain whether their friendship will survive the weekend but something will definitely last - the realisation that they have more in common than they would have guessed.

"Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down"

When life's too easy..

2009-03-16T21:09:00.004+01:00

.. I just make it harder myself. Why did I decide to give up on dairy and eggs during lent? Why not give up on sweets for a few weeks? Or alcohol? I know, I know, you should renounce on something that you would actually miss ;-)

Day whatever:

Had a two-day-photo course this weekend and on Saturday, the teacher announced that we would order pizza the next day for lunch. Argh! But then, believe it or not, I resisted and ordered plain pizza bread instead of juicy yummy pizza Quattro Formaggi .. *pats own shoulder*.

One of my Monday's students always offers me tea which I usually take with milk and sugar. 'How will I tell her that I can't have that now?', I was wondering before. Easier than I thought: "Would you like some tea?" - "Yes, thank you, but without milk please." No fuss, no further questions.

Went grocery shopping just now because I needed some things and was craving sweets, too. While strolling through the aisles and checking ingredient lists, I realised that I can't eat any of the sweets I like and don't like any of those I can have. I want milk chocolate, caramel, ice cups, burfi, mushroom cream soup, cheeses, yogurt, waffles .. damn it! I want to pack it in, give up, throw it all. But I won't, not yet, not so easily. I want, I need to prove to myself that I have the determination to push this plan through. We will see...

Things that are not as they seem

2009-03-13T23:03:00.005+01:00

Attitude of a bouncer, style of a hardrocker, naughty grin to make girls (ok, me) go weak at the knees - Bülent Ceylan! He enters the stage, loosens his backlong mane and shows his best heandbanging moves. No, that doesn't look wannabe, that looks *slurp*. Love him!
... If you ask girls what they're looking for in a man - sense of humour. He has to make me laugh. Looks don't matter. Yea, right! Of course looks matter. But humour does, too.
... Either way, Bülent Ceylan is a winner. He is a comedian, half Turkish, half German, born and brought up in Mannheim. For those who don't know it, in and around Mannheim, they speak a really funny dialect (seriously, ask anyone), combine that with his looks plus humour and ahhh! Cracks me up..

So guys, in case you were wondering about my type in men - see above ;-)

Goldfluss

2009-03-13T00:54:00.005+01:00

mind voice
mind song
colours of the soul
colour of hope
gold river
sandy music
beach blue
reach out
call me
sing your blues
sing orange
green font
grey sky
shades of white
green laugh
smell of hope
frozen hug
now!

I hate Internet!

2009-03-09T23:18:00.005+01:00

Me, who spends so much time online, researching, writing, downloading, uploading and criticising pictures? All fine, nothing wrong with that and this is the part of "internetting" that I like.

The problems begin when it comes to chatting. You meet new, interesting people and talk to them. Since there is nothing but talking, no gestures or mimics, you talk a lot. Inevitably, you exchange information. No, I'm not referring to personal data, address, phone number and the like. I'm talking about interests, taste in movies, music, what moves you, what do you hate and burn for. You quickly get close to people who have the same interests, who feel the same, whom you feel connected to. So far so harmless.

But this closeness is not real. The internet brings people together who are physically far away from one another. You're not part of their real life, they hardly are part of yours. When you really need someone, there will be a void. Your friends won't be there. Be it because of a time difference, involvement in job and family or simply "real life" that is keeping them busy.

There is only one remedy: Meeting. Taking them into your life. Believe me, it makes all the difference.

I don't diet

2009-03-09T13:13:00.002+01:00

Day 4:

Woke up with a headache and tired, so tired. Level of alertness, ashh? There is none. No, that's not quite true. Yesterday, my breakfast items: the roll was too salty, the jam and tea with the usual amount of sugar too sweet. Have my senses heightened already? I will keep an eye on that.

Otherwise it was a day of feasting: dosa with mint and coconut chutney for lunch, salad and chutney sandwich for dinner. You might be wondering why there are so many Indian items on my list now and so few of my own country. The answer is simple: mine is a nation of meat eaters, possibly for every meal and in every form. Today's lunch is borrowed from our Italian (almost) neighbours, spaghetti al'arrabiata, with considerably less salt.. heightened senses, remember ;-)

Oh yea, what I wanted to say: This is not a diet nor an effort to be liked by anyone, the idea itself is ridiculous. I'm conducting this little experiment for a limited period of time, to see what it is like, if I have the will-power and if it does make me feel good. Period.

The Experiment

2009-03-07T21:04:00.005+01:00

I've been a vegetarian for 15 years now. It took me a while to take that step but then, like with most of my decisions, it happened rather suddenly.
Now I will take it one step further - go vegan. From today, 6th March till Easter for now. Just to try, to see how it would go and if I can.

Thoughts beforehand: What about protein? And vitamin D? Should I take anything? Nah, it's just a few weeks and if I should have a deficiency in whatsoever, it won't kill me. I'm not gonna live off berries and nuts in the wood after all. What about yogurt, how do I replace that? Milk, eggs and cheese I can do without, no problem. Which sweets? Can I eat sweets at all? Yes, I can. Jalebi, dark chocolate, some pastry .. not store bought ones but oh well. So let's go for it!

Day 2:

Last night, I almost starved because I didn't know what I could eat. Had bread with some vegan spread (yes, I check the ingredient list even more thoroughly now) and green tea, as black tea with soy drink instead of milk is not that great. And then what? Oh yea, I made jalebi, just to see and for any in-case-situation ;-).

Today, I'm craving milk chocolate. Dark chocolate is allowed (yup, checked), so if the desire doesn't pass, that's what I'll have. I'm so grateful for Indian cuisine and snacks. So I will take these weeks as an opportunity to try out even more. Today's find: gunpowder.

Dessert, dessert .. milkshake.. err.. soy drink shake with banana, peanut butter and, wait, Ovomaltine is out, so pure cocoa powder plus some jaggery. Yummy.
And tomorrow: chutneys.

Me, Myself and I

2009-03-05T19:21:00.009+01:00

You thought I was exaggerating when I called this blog my personal vanity fair? You will realise now that I wasn't.

Everyone has their good and bad characteristics. So far, so banal. But have you been aware that even the best qualities can be perceived negatively in a different light - just as what you consider your worst characteristics are quite positive when seen from another angle?
The proof: Me.

People who like me say I'm humorous, intelligent, sweet, caring, have an infectious smile and a pleasant voice. Okay, let's analyse those statements one by one.

... Humorous - yes, that should be true. But the other side of the medal: no matter what innocent phrase you utter, my overactive mind twists and turns it - in the fracture of a second - to find some hidden meaning in it.. and normally succeeds. "How do you get these ideas?" - "They come naturally to me, the problems start when I try to be serious."
... Intelligent, well yea, I'm not a numb nut. But it doesn't automatically mean that I'm clever. I'm still naive, sometimes don't realise when it doesn't pay to be honest and I tend to believe what I'm told.
... Sweet and caring. Hmm. Am I sweet? If it means being helpful, having an open ear for my friends, being there when they need me, then yes. And I don't mind doing all that - for my friends. The difficult side of this "sweetness" is that some people might try to take advantage of me, thinking that I'm a push-over, ready to give in. And hey: I am not!
... Infectious smile and pleasant voice - sorry, even I can't see anything bad in that ;-).

Now to the flaws: I'm a little messy, short tempered, lazy and don't forgive easily.
... Being messy means that I'm creative. I need the challenge to hunt for my things instead of just putting them in the same place all the time - keeps my brain active.
... Short tempered, hmm, that's a tough one. I would say it includes both sides - getting angry easily but can go back to being calm in a jiffy, too. It means that I have temperament, am ready to burn for an idea.
... Lazy.. this one could be the worst. But then it means that I'm not likely to get a heart attack from over-working and know how to enjoy. And that's something good, wouldn't you agree?
... I was wrong, this here is the major one. If you can't forgive or apologise, it kills friendship, relationship, communication. Silver lining: if someone hurt or offended me and I do get back to them and offer my hand, it shows that they mean a lot to me and will never lose me just like that.

So what am I? A self-centred, spoilt, silly brat with a heart that is too big to carry alone and a mind that is permanently wandering.

Count My Blessings

2009-03-05T15:57:00.008+01:00

I decided that it is time for a little inventory of myself, to make me aware of all the great things I have.

I got life
I got health
I got a job
I got a car
I got friends who love me
I got parents who care
I got good times and bad times
Like everyone else.

I got music and colours
I got water and air
I got peace and fights
I got smiles and tempers
I got charms and a voice
I got winter and spring
I got nature and the town
I got it all.

___

If the concept looks familiar to you: I borrowed the idea from "I Got Life" of the musical Hair

.

Live and Let Live

2009-02-25T17:29:00.005+01:00

When somebody asks me if I like my job, I normally say that it is alright, sometimes quite interesting and it doesn't kill me. Today, I really enjoyed the work I am doing.

I had a class with J., not exactly a language person, not very eager to do homework but really open and expressive. She announced today that they were going back by May probably, instead of December, as planned. So far, so bad. I helped her with some official stuff which she commented with a laughing 'What would I do without you!'. And then she surprised me by saying 'Do you plan to visit the US, at all? 'Cause you are always welcome. We really need to stay in touch through emails!' Isn't that nice? I never thought that she liked me that much that she'd want to keep in contact.

We did do some German in that class. But mainly, she was asking questions, trying to clear her doubts and pick up where she had to leave off conversations with German neighbours, mums, teachers or coaches because of her rudimentary German or their insufficient English.

What was it like to grow up in the East? How did you experience the Fall of the Wall? What about your parents? How old were you back then? Did anybody not want the Wall to come down? Is there still a difference between East and West? Are there prejudices? Why? Are you exposed to prejudices? How do people know that someone is from the East? Do your parents still live in the East? Do they speak with an accent? And that was just one topic!

I left, smiling and thinking that I had set some wrong ideas straight...

Baby, don't cry!

2009-02-18T21:37:00.006+01:00

You're ill, feel bad, in pain.
Can't sleep nor be awake.
Let's talk, give me your hand.
Caress your cheek. Don't cry.

Nothing seems right,
things just don't go your way.
You blame the world, you doubt.
Don't cry, I'm here.

'No, you are not,' you say, 'you're far!
How can you help me when you're not around?'
Don't worry, baby, and don't cry.
I'm always there, I'm just one word away.

The Endless Possibilities of a Single Snowflake

2009-02-18T11:35:00.005+01:00

to you, sis

Who needs easy!

2009-02-16T12:47:00.003+01:00

Does it help in life to be a single child? Yes and no.

No, because you're used to getting whatever you ask for. And as soon as things don't go your way, you get upset. Or angry. Or mean.

Yes, because you don't give up. If you really want something, you work on getting it. Breaking into tears, throwing a tantrum or pouting doesn't work that well beyond the age of five. So you have to work out other strategies: Charm people. Convince them with facts. Smile. And never ever give up.

Giving up is easy. Sitting down, wallowing, bathing in self-pity. Shrugging and accepting defeat. Whining and complaining how unfair life is. So easy.

Easy's not for me.

I sing you to me*

2009-02-12T23:24:00.005+01:00

I call you
Call you with my thoughts, my dreams, my tears.

I choose the strongest tool - yes, music
I call you with your song.
The song that's you.. you know it, I agree
Call you with mine.

I shout, I scream, I cry..
Call out to you
again again...

Give up. Let go. Relax.
But we both know
I'll try again tomorrow.

___

*I didn't go overboard with magnetic poetry again, this is a quote from the movie Australia.

Soulmates

2009-02-12T14:26:00.007+01:00

Soulmates? - Yes, they exist. Sometimes you meet someone and you think that this person is a complementary element, a missing link in your life. They understand you, no matter how messy your thoughts are. And you understand them. You know what they mean before they say it. You could ask each other anything but you don't need to. Same imagination, same sense of humour, same doubts and ideas.

Cheers to us girls!

Sunday Sky

2009-02-09T18:15:00.001+01:00

Quotes

2009-01-28T00:18:00.005+01:00

How many books have I read until now? Dozens? Hundreds? A thousand? I don't know. I learned to read at the age of five, and since then, I read. Fairy tales at first, children's stories .. I would read when I was supposed to study, to tidy up my room, to work in the house or the garden...

There were many books.. some that I read, liked and forgot, some that I wanted to own, some that I reread several times. One that has been with me for the last eight years.

And now another one. "Read this one, it's good". No fuss, no further explanation. Ok, I ordered the book and kept it in my shelf for a while. Today, I started reading it. Very soon, I realised that you tricked me. You tricked me into believing that this would be just another pleasant book. But it is not. It is one of those that you have to read again and again, that teach you something, that accompany you along a big part of your life, if not your whole - like a manual, an instruction that gives you an answer whenever you're seeking for it.

It is good that you didn't praise the book or very highly recommended it. You hardly knew me back then and cannot have been aware that this would have repelled me, awoken my rebel nature, to reject everything others are too fond of. Maybe you are the same, another point we have in common? Whatever reason it was - thank you. Thank you for having given me this book.

Which book I am talking about? "The five people you meet in heaven". Started it today, finished it today and still, I'll keep reading it.

And now, I want to make an exception to the promise in my very first post - never to copy or steal anything. I will quote a few lines from this book:

"That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

"Strangers [...] are just family you have yet to come to know."

"The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

"Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning."

"Sacrifice, [...] You made one. I made one. We all make them. [...] Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."

"Per l'amaro e il dolce [...] for the bitter and the sweet"

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all."

"Life has to end, [...] love doesn't."

And as it so often goes:

"You made me love you
I didn't want to do it
I didn't want to do it...
You made me love you
and all the time you knew it
and all the time you knew it..."

A question to nature

2009-01-18T13:11:00.007+01:00

Dear Nature,

What is the deal with common colds? What exactly were you thinking when you invented them?

Natural disasters - your way of telling us that we don't own the earth and shouldn't be that careless with it. The plague - too many people living together under bad hygienic circumstances that should be remedied asap. AIDS - again, you people are too careless, take precautions please! Making us unattractive after a certain age - easy, you want to say that the ideal time for reproduction is over.

But common colds? It's not a deadly disease even though at some stage one is inclined to think so, hence it is not meant to diminish the population. It does not reduce fertility and it is highly infective. One feels like puked out, breathing hurts, coughing hurts, sneezing hurts, all I want to do is sleep and drink sweet tea... and after a few days, it's over, as suddenly as it came.

So please, dear Nature, be so kind and tell me what your intention here was. Thank you in advance for your reply.

Sincerely,
S.

Store

2009-01-14T06:53:00.005+01:00

There are certain things one cannot do ahead of time, as in do it abundantly now so that it won't be necessary for a while: eating, sleeping, reading newspapers.

No matter how much you eat today, you will still get hungry again tomorrow or day after at the latest. You can read a full bookstall worth of newspapers now, watch five hours non-stop of news .. in a couple days, that'll be old news and you will have to start over again.

But most of all I regret that I can't stock sleep. And believe me, I tried it! I slept on off days until my eyes popped open by themselves - but did I feel any more refreshed and awake than when I had just a normal amount of sleep? Nah. Did I need less sleep the following night? Not at all.
Why am I saying all this now? Because it's 6.30 am and I'm soooooo tired...

Christmas Survivor

2008-12-29T01:08:00.005+01:00

Christmas is over. I spent it with my parents at their house. Now I am back home and I'm really really relieved. Not that I don't love my parents, mind you. I do, and I like spending time with them, at my place or theirs.

I once said that one week is the limit. Beyond that, mum and I would start bickering, picking at each other and just annoying one another. This time again, I tried to stretch the limits - to 11 days - but the elastic band of my patience flipped right back. On Thursday, I started counting the days till I would be leaving for home. No catastrophe happened, no big fight. I'm just a grown-up now, one who wants to live her own life, in her own place, by her own rules and wishes.

Am I an ungrateful spoilt brat? Maybe .. but I like the way I turned out. I'm polite enough to say "yes, mum, sure", peaceloving enough to think 'what's the harm, let's do it their way here' and intelligent enough to see when it's necessary to fight and when better to keep quiet.

Delete now

2008-12-17T21:01:00.005+01:00

I have heard of a movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", (didn't see it for some reason), where two people had the memories of each other deleted from their brains.

That must be handy.. decide what you don't want to remember, what you don't want to be reminded of whenever you least expect it. No memories that suddenly come like a shock. Just press delete and they're gone...

The end of Hindi class...

2008-12-16T18:36:00.006+01:00

...or Giving up?

I bunked Hindi class today.. for the second time. Actually it would be the third time if our teacher had not been ill that one time when I also very much didn't feel like going. I'm not enjoying it anymore (just the class, not Hindi as such), reading silly tales doesn't make me progress in the least and the teacher's method is everything but refreshing.

Gee, am I frustrating my own students just as much? If so, I could understand that they started running away. For now, they don't. Does that mean I do a better job? Are they just bored? Do they have a higher frustration tolerance? I don't know .. but I do know that I myself reached a deadlock and I think I need help to get out of it.

So please, Hindi speakers, help! Return the joy of learning and understanding your fascinating, puzzling language to me!!

Don't!

2008-11-30T20:39:00.005+01:00

Why are people killing each other, everywhere and every minute?

Do you know how many years without war there were in the 20th century? Five! Five years of 100, five little years during which people could do without killing their fellow countrymen, their neighbours, their relatives.

There is murder and violence everywhere. Politicians declare war when they get tired of negotiating. Or when they see their own profit and a chance to grab it.

People kill when they feel mistreated, when they think somebody else is better off than they are. They try to make a point, aim for power, influence. And they give a damn about how many innocent people they rob of their lives, their families, their friends.

What is our first impulse? To hit back, to kill the killers.

Don't ... it won't amend a thing.

Kama Sutra

2008-11-20T02:36:00.004+01:00

Kama Sutra - a love story so genuine, so passionate, so all consuming... To love like that just once, to be loved so strongly... A love so intense that it doesn't end with death...

I want to love like that only once, risk everything for my love... Betray and lie to all others and being true to only him... Giving my life to save his..

I don't like Sundays

2008-11-17T09:06:00.005+01:00

The sun is shining through my roof-light, it's bright in here, I just got up. And suddenly everything looks more positive than last night, I don't feel like the world is collapsing on top of me anymore.

Maybe it's just the Sunday after all? If I look back: the negative, whining and aggressive posts are written on a Sunday.

Or maybe I just realised why I am having such a hard time making things move. Because everything always just came my way without me having to do much, taking a lot of initiative. I was a good student. At school, I hardly studied for the first 8 years and still was among the top four of my class. During the last four years of school, I had to do a little more... I didn't kill myself, like others did and still was 10th best in my class level with a hundred students.

Then university. At first, it came like a shock. We have to study! There are students that have advantages I don't have. The ones that have grown up bilingual, those who spent a year abroad after graduating from school. And suddenly it wasn't enough to be intelligent. But that was the first shock. Soon I realised that even those put their pants on one leg at a time. And I caught up.
Studies are the time to party - and I partied a lot. My best friend, my "classmate", is very industrious, always was, always will be. She hardly partied, studied five, six hours beyond classes on an average day. It is undisputed that she did great, she graduated with the best possible GPA. But I was only one grade below - without sitting behind my books for hours, copying my notes every day and taking my dictionaries to bed with me. I partied, I went out, I had fun. And I was a student research assistant to my professor, twice!

First job in a city of unemployed people? Difficult. I found something, a small work that just earned me some extra-money beside the "parental stipend". The next two jobs - after my second degree - almost found me instead of me them. I browsed the website of the local Adults' Education Centre, one week before the beginning of the new term and they were desperately looking for me. One year later, my current job practically fell into my lap.
Oh and I should mention: when I was really actively and intensely searching for work, I found nothing. In L., 15 applications - not a single offer, in B. 36 (!) applications - lots of "we would love to but..", "not now but.." and also some "---".

Why am I saying all this? Not to brag, even if it partly sounded like it. No, just to clarify that even now, I expect things to turn around, to get better again. And I will wait, keeping me busy with other activities, enjoying the fact that I have time - for Hindi, photography, baking, running, crafts... to name a few.

Advice to myself

2008-11-16T21:36:00.006+01:00

Why does the wrong person say all the right things and why does the right person not say anything?

Depressed? Frustrated? If you're waiting for someone to pull you out of that swamp, you will wait in vain. Forget it. Don't rely on others, make your own decisions, fight your own fights. No one is going to help you out, everyone has their own life. Nobody gives a damn about anyone else.
And beware.. beware especially of those who promise to be there for you, to not let you down ever. They'll be the first ones to run away. How can you trust someone who doesn't trust you?

I'm not going anywhere in my life, I stagnate, I'm apathetic. Everything seems to go wrong, my frustration tolerance is unusually low. What is it today? Lack of sleep, existential crisis, the general recession?

Let's see if it'll still be there tomorrow. Till then..

How dare you!

2008-11-09T23:42:00.003+01:00

How dare you thinking you know me?
How dare you tell how I am?
"You are nice, want respect, you are different"-
How would you know?

How dare you say I could be more?
How dare you question my life?
"That is not yet the top, she can climb high"-
What business of yours?

How dare you advising me still?
How dare you not seeing I grew up?
"Please do this, don't do that, listen once"-
Let me make my mistakes!

Ufff

2008-10-30T00:54:00.005+01:00

A. is supposed to visit us in January. I'm not sure if it is really going to happen but the odds are not bad. And I was very much looking forward to his visit. A. is a good friend of mine, I would always defend him and stand to him (as I would to all my friends), no matter how weird he might behave at times, how self-centred he sometimes is and how many people are stabbing him from behind. He is smart, definitely different, funny, musical and not to forget good looking. All reasons to look forward to meeting him.

But now things have changed. The joy about his visit is not undiluted anymore because he is not coming alone. No, not with his girl-friend, mind you. But with another acquaintance of ours, O., a girl who made it pretty clear that she doesn't like talking to me anymore. According to her, I am "selfish, can't be a real friend to anyone", I "put on an act" and am "not genuine".

At first, that really made me wonder. Is she right? Am I like that only? Selfish, artificial and phoney? I asked a few friends of mine, those who know about my flaws - as of course I have many - and still like me.
And the results were rather astonishing. "No, you don't put on an act, but people who don't know you well could feel so because you are very controlled and hold back when dealing with those who are not your close friends." This was the tenor of several friends' statements. "Well, I don't know why she feels so. You and I have become good friends with time." replied another to my inquiry. And yet another: "She is so full of herself. Don't give a damn about the things she said. What does she know!"

Yea, what does she know? She knows nothing about me, she doesn't know me at all. Alright, if she doesn't like talking to me, that's her choice and I'm definitely not going to impose myself on anyone. But allowing her to spoil the meeting with A.? He had planned to visit M. and me, and we both live in different cities. So I really don't know how it will be. Should I renounce on going to M.'s place just because she will be there too? Should I insist that A. comes to my place on his own, without M. or O.? I can't do that. And besides, it would only be half the fun without M., who by the way is overjoyed that O. announced to accompany A.

I hope that something will happen, it's still a while to go till then, maybe O. won't be able to make it after all. One can always hope.

Magnetic Poetry

2008-10-26T17:35:00.011+01:00

A few weeks ago, at a party, we were playing Magnetic Poetry. For those who don't know it: that's a box full of random words and letters on magnet strips that should enable you to write little poems. Or in our case phrases, as surreal as it gets. Examples? I am your pie in the sky ... Glass voices melt fever down ... and my personal favourite: Wet felines have an air of porcelain velvet about them.

So after playing this game, no one can tell me that the famous musicians of the '60s,'70s and '80s didn't use Magnetic Poetry to compose their songs!
Be realistic - how else do you explain The Beatles' Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, Genesis' The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway, Pink Floyd's Shine On You Crazy Diamond or the famous line of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer, Open Up Your Fruitcage?

I picture it like this: The band members sitting in a circle on the floor, a joint circulating, half-full glasses of red wine next to them, a few candles lit... All heads are bent over a box of Magnetic Poetry in their middle and suddenly one of them calls out: "Guys, guys, look at this!!"

The rest is (music) history...

What kind of blog?

2008-10-20T08:12:00.010+02:00

I've seen a few blogs before starting one myself. And every time I browsed through one, I wondered: Like this? Or like that one maybe?

The first one I saw must have been Nitin's. Serious and elaborate observations, many posts related to (his own) music, to movies and these two topics combined. Not for me - too much of thinking and research required.

Next in line was talldarkman's. Stories about his journeys mainly, written in a witty, funny and entertaining way. But although being a basically happy and humorous person in life, I don't seem able to write that way. Off the list too.

"Ashes" (ashhh for me) showed me his blog next. Ok, "showed" might be slightly exaggerated. He had no idea that I would go through all of his posts, dating a few years back even. But I did. And I liked what I saw - poems, short stories, random thoughts, pictures. I knew right away that I would never get there so I didn't even attempt to. But in a way, his style of writing is what I'm looking out for (without trying to copy of course).

Hue's (second's) blogspot is a place I keep returning to. Her posts are sometimes funny, sometimes touching, one particularly sweet (you know which one I'm talking about) and often helpful. She shares her experience and observations with the reader in her own smart, funny and unique way. As mentioned above - writing funnily is not that easy.

The latest one I came across is wanna's. Short posts, clearly more for himself than for anyone else to read, they are relatively personal, like a diary. Therefore I sometimes feel like an intruder when going there but sorry, wanna, can't resist. Wanna mixes his own thoughts with well-placed quotes and writes in a way that makes me want to react instantly. I'm not sure what it takes to write like that but I'm quite certain that I don't have it.

Now what would I like my "blogspot thingy" to resemble? None of the above, even though I admire them all. I just want to pour out (sometimes puke out) my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences, my points of view, my anger and my joy. Mostly in prose, sometimes in poetry. Thoughts that I want to share, thoughts that I'm almost embarrassed about.
My blog will be my personal vanity fair, the hub of my very own thought-universe, my self-centred little platform of ideas.

A somewhat altered ashhh-quote at the end that will be the motto and headline for my blog:
If you like what I am writing, I'm happy. If you don't, I couldn't care less.

Accepted Feelings

2008-10-12T18:39:00.008+02:00

Did you ever notice how our society encourages certain emotions and how others are taboo? Think about it sometime.

You're allowed to be angry
but when you're sad, all you hear is "Get over it!".
You're supposed to be serious
but when you're silly, they tell you "Grow up!".

It's accepted to love
but being lovesick - no no!
Sure you can be in love
but possessive and jealous - no way!

Reflecting alright
but self-pity is never an option - "C'mon, get your act together!".
Be creative
but if you are not, means you just didn't try hard enough.

It's alright to be aggressive
but the shy people will just lose out.
Even children are told:
"Defend yourself when they tease you or else you won't get very far!".

Being honest, yes please,
but are they sure they can deal with the truth?
Hey, be good, save the world, don't be selfish
but where to begin?

I want the Nobel Peace Prize!

2008-10-09T19:23:00.004+02:00

That's one prize I would really like to get. Having done something great for the sake of mankind, having made this world a little less bloody and violent, being as peacefully perseverant as Gandhi, as clear-sighted as Gorbachev, as non-violently insistent as my own people in '89.
Be patient, be peaceful and smilingly successful.

But then I walk through the world, my eyes wide open.

I frown at parents who shout at their children, beat them, mistreat them and still expect them to be well-behaved little creatures without a will of their own.

I would like to put consumers in tiny cages who buy a fried chicken for 2 Euros and don't even think of what these animals went through. Those who are surprised that they're sold rotten meat when they ask for it cheaper and cheaper and cheaper. Let them stay in a livestock transport, under the same conditions pigs and cows exist on their daily odysseys.

I see magnificent churches, built from money that was tricked out of poor believers, making them think they would go to hell if they didn't pay for their heavenly beatitude. And it makes me so angry, so fumingly mad at all the religions that make a fortune while their followers are starving.

I think of the catholic church, with a leader that claims to be infallible, god's representative on earth. Infallible, a human! Who consoles the suffering with mild words instead of providing real help. Every time I hear him talk, I fight the urge of wanting to dunk him, together with all his cardinals and bishops, into a giant stoup until they stop struggling.

I want to scream at those heads of state who don't hesitate to sacrifice others' children in a war that is about nothing but self-righteousness, profit and resources. Would they send their own sons and daughters to war? Would they encourage them to go? Oh no!

This blatant injustice everywhere leaves me feel so livid and helpless, makes me want to scream, shout, beat and shoot, simply get violent against the culprits.
The Nobel Peace Prize? A distant dream!

Complaints Choir (and a few solutions)

2008-10-08T12:08:00.008+02:00

1 - A few of my students are leaving which means less income for me.
("Boss, btw, I have open capacities..." - "Good to know, we will get back to you sooner than you think")

2 - My mum doesn't like my apartment.
(Yes, and so? Which law says that your own and your parents' taste has to match in everything? I like my place, and that's what counts!)

3 - C. decided that she doesn't want to go to India because it's not for her after all.
(So I will go with M., try to convince my mum or join a travelling group.)

4 - S. is making Hindi class a power struggle between her and the teacher. Thus it's less fun for me and I don't know which side to take because I understand them both in a way.
(Their fight is not mine, I don't have to take sides. I can learn under any circumstances and that's what I'm going to do because I have paid for the course and I intend to take the max out of it! *determined look*)

5 - I can't go to Greece with friends in November as planned, due to financial reasons.
(Postpone. I survived 32 years without going to Greece, another one won't kill me.)

6 - Coughing today.
(Ignore it. Denial and vitamin C work best against an upcoming cold :p.)

Yes, things in life can go wrong, there are setbacks... but cribbing and moping won't help... nor will pitying yourself. Stand up, attack your problems and if you need it, ask for help!

Why don't you write?

2008-10-08T00:17:00.002+02:00

seeju:

- Do you write?
+ No. All I can write is text messages on the phone.
- Why don't you try?
+ I don't think I can.
- I'm sure you can.

ashh:

+ I read some of your poems, like them.
- Do you write too?
+ No, I don't. I've read too much, I would only be copying and I don't want that.
- *smiles*... I like that.

second:

"if we are ever out of our respective jobs, we would start writing plots for hollywood"

- You should write too, fishy!
+ You think? Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.
+ I had a weird dream.. I started a blog, wrote posts and people hated them, made fun of them, gave nasty comments. It was awful!
- Fishy, that was just a dream. And even if - go ahead and write!

somy:

- You have a good sense of humour.
+ Thank you.
- I like your way with words.
+ That's just because I don't have many, in English.
- You should write a book, really. Something humorous.
+ Hmmm ... maybe some day I will.

Ok, no book yet but not text messages either. I hope nothing copied but I can't guarantee that it's original either. It won't be stolen but it might be boring.

So, seeju, ashhh, second, somy... I hope you won't regret having encouraged me to write. And if you do - this is your punishment! :p