What it means

I've been planning this trip, ok more like dreaming about it, for more than four years now, have asked around what best to visit, what probably to avoid. In India, I have chat friends and real life friends and a mix of both. So there is someone to visit, someone to pick me up from the airport, someone to stay with, someone to accompany me on my excursions to discover the world.

Then, last year, I met you and things changed. 'I like him, will I meet him, can I trust him, do I want to, do I dare?' I went back and forth between yes, no and eventually yes more times than Vicky Pollard, so don't think I made that an easy decision for myself. Finally, I settled on yes and kinda confronted you with the result of my thought process.

And there you go and say no. I mean you didn't say no outright, you are keeping your options open: 'Factor me out but I reserve the right to kidnap you at any point'. I said fine, I'm ok with that. Turns out - not so much, but I will get used to the idea. Do you realise what that means for you and for us? Alright, some things won't change. I'll still want you in my life - as a friend. But .. ok, more about that later..

This is the first time I'm gonna go to India, doing all the preparations in six (!) weeks. Why do you think I'm rushing it so much to be sure I'll make it in April? Any clue? No? Ok.
My friends will still be there later, I haven't seen them in a while, we'd all live if that went on for another while. It's you I'm dying to see, to turn this "hanging in the air" kinda thing that we have into something real. Or not. But to see what it's all about, what you're really like, what we could or couldn't be.

Now to the above mentioned "but". If we don't meet this time, I won't try again. Chances are that I'll come back in November/December but I won't reach out to you then. I won't make another effort to meet you. We can still be friends, I will still like talking you, still appreciate you and seek your opinion on things but what we will be is chat friends. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a one time opportunity. I'm not trying to pressure let alone threaten you (You know what my threats look like, this isn't one.), I am merely stating a simple fact. It will be this time. Or it won't.

The Call

I'm sitting, waiting, thinking
I'm waiting for your call.
'No pressure', I once told you,
'I'll be good either way'.

I so want you to call me,
take that brave step, say 'Come!'.
Pick me up, collect the pieces,
put them together now.

I don't care what they say,
Don't care much 'bout my pride.
I care about my happiness
and very much for you.

I said I'll always want you,
forever in my life.
I'll always want to hear you,
to talk and to be close.

Not yet

I hadn't planned on telling you yet for a long while. Now it came up. There is no way I can tell you just like that, so here:

Yes, there is a reason.

Yes, it's serious.

Yes, it's ugly.

Yes, I'm being treated.

Yes, with medication.

Yes, I have all the symptoms. Classic.

Yes, it has consequences.

Yes, for me.

Yes, for my life.

Yes, maybe indirectly for you.

No, it's not contagious.

No, it's not deadly.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Yes, it's visible (did I mention it's ugly?).

Yes, it happens.

Yes, I'm working on it.

No, it can't be cured, just treated.

Yes, I'm 4 - 12%.

No, I definitely won't tell you yet. Raincheck.

I want

I want to see your face
and feel your eyes on me.
I want to run to you
and you to catch me.

I want to clear your doubts
and lose my fears in your embrace.
I want to comfort you,
soak up your tears.

I want to know the nameless, faceless
that have what I don't - you.
I want to see your life,
I want to be a part.

I want to wake up,
feel your smile on me.
I want to fight with you,
kiss and make up.

I want to miss you only when you're gone,
want to experience the joy of being near.
I want to be with you.
I want you.

"Happiness is only real when shared"

When I'm happy, I want everyone of my friends to feel the same. I want to share my happiness.

But R. is dissatisfied with her life, N. is unhappily in love, A. is just about ok, M. remembers the feeling from long ago. I want to make it all good for them, for the selfish reason that they'd be as happy as I am.

And to tell them the reason why I'm so happy, the reason that is you. You sprang it on me, out of the blue.
"I'm hard-boiled. Maybe I've been hurt too many times. I don't think I can fall in love anymore", this is what I used to say (and believe) whenever the topic came up.

Turns out I was wrong. Confusion ('where are you going with this?') turned into surprise ('really? me?'), joy ('wow, really me! really you!') and euphoria ('you know, I like him soo flipping much').

You have been in this longer than me but I think I'm catching up so quickly it's almost embarrassing. I look out to your texts, smile into my phone and just at the world around me, feel warm when I hear your voice (did I tell you how I love your voice?). You solve the riddles of life for me, make me laugh where I would have frowned, walk on where I might have stopped, encourage me.

I'm happy.

What it takes

...I write or maybe I should say I scribble. Strange poems, short stories and the odd movie review. But I would never, could never write a novel.

...I read a lot and so I was wondering what it takes to get me hooked in the first place, to keep me reading on way beyond my bedtime and to finally leave me wanting more and feeling a little sad.

...Vikram Seth has it and so do Maeve Binchy, Rubina Uzzaman, Elizabeth Noble, Richard Bach,... to name just a few. But what do they have?

...A core for their novels to begin with. An idea that turns into a story, with twists and turns, a plot which is gripping and plausible, heroes I can identify with and whose lives I am interested in following.

...They need excellent linguistic and stilistic skills because nothing is more annoying than stumbling over grammatical mistakes or reading through repetitions galore.

...And last but not least, they must have patience and stamina. The patience to bring situations to life, to build around the dialogues and most of all the stamina to work through a writer's block.

...So Vikram, Maeve, Rubina, Elizabeth, Richard - whatever it is: Keep doing what you're doing!

Liquid Blanket

I dive into your liquid hug
you flow around me
hug me but don't hold.

I sink in deeper
your wavy warm embrace.

The liquid vertigo that grips me
I'm floating up
I leave you...

The particular sadness of lemon cake

Have you read this book? It is about a girl who is suddenly, on the eve of her 9th birthday, able to taste feelings. She tastes the emotions the cook felt while making that dish, emotions that they are mostly unaware of or even if they weren't, they would never admit. A lot of the food is rendered almost inedible to her, packed with guilt, anger, hurry or depression.

What would my food taste like? Impatience, restlessness, insecurity and lots and lots of jealousy? Or yours - have you thought about it? Are you curious or would you prefer not to know?

Here's a suggestion: tell me the truth. Don't worry, I won't pity you if you say you're bad. Won't ask what's wrong when you admit you're not sure. I'll say ok, acknowledge it with a nod, that's all. I just want to know, know where I am with you. Just stop pretending, let me see the side of yours that is not pretty, funny and optimistic, "show me your soul", as they sing.

I'll still like you, no less than before, so go for it, let's all take the plunge. Now!

Little bits of self-earned wisdom

So here's what I've learned from life and generous as I am (oh well), I share it with you:

1 - Don't offer anything you're not really readily seriously and voluntarily willing to give. Be it an invitation, accepting one such, a gift or help. Because you know, people might just take you up on it.
(Otherwise, you could have someone sleep on your couch in the corridor that you don't really want to see in the morning, let alone having to make breakfast conversation with.)

2 - If people are offering something to you and you want it, say yes. Don't act shy or modest or indecisive. Accept it and thank them.
(This way, you can acquire a beautiful photo on canvas, caramel filled chocolate or a sky disk style pendant.)

3 - If however they're offering something you don't want (are not interested in, own already or can't stand), don't hesitate to refuse it. Politely but firmly.
(And so you don't end up with besan ka laddoo (yuck!) or a hideous calendar on Central German castles.)

You're welcome :-)

Of stone flowers..

Take another drag. Ok, ready? Vas-y!

Dragging.. a little, not too much.. keeping it in. Don't breathe out yet, don't cough. The trick is to breathe out before. I drag, blink, swallow dry, breathe in some more, hold my breath .. there, phew...

Do you feel anything?

Shaking my head no.

Ok, go again.. here .. vas-y!

Dragging.. a little .. same procedure.. breathing out, leaning back a little...Whoa! I feel like sliding down to the floor, unable to stand on my legs but don't. I get hold of the window sill, of the wall on the other side of the small bathroom.

I'll fall.. or am I? Out of the bathroom, gathering strength, moving my body with my will, willing myself onto the sofa. Long distance... phew.

I'll fall .. I'll fricking fall!! Grabbing onto the cushion.. or else.. Where are you? How can you be standing there, too far away, doing whatever?? Are you fucking kidding me?

Whoa! What the fuck is happening to me? The wall shows white flowers on white ground. And they are moving! Whoa..

That, child, is m. for you.

I thought I was resistant!

Resistant? That's what you thought, girl?! You laugh.

Come here, where are you? Come!! Finally. Sit next to me, come closer, CLOSER!!

One hand holding onto the cushion, my right hand clinging into you, squeezing your palm.

Let's go, let's eat, you must be hungry!

Hungry? Eat? What? Umm.. no..

I watch you eat, I can't. Your food is racing on your plate. Whoa..

There's something.. something.. needs to be done.. food.. prepare.. this .. in there..

What? I can't understand you.

Gestures.. saying no.. leave.. i t...

Moving my eyes is scary.. moving my head hurts .. talking's a miner's work. I don't, I...

You look at me.. you say... what did you say? What? Incomprehension galore.
Say again. I hear you, don't listen, don't remember. I wonder.. why?

Did I call you? Can't be, can't talk, can't force myself to walk. Hard work.. no way, no. NO!

You're standing beside me. Touch me! Kiss me.. touch.. hold... come here..

Eat something.. this later, you say. You think? Neah, forget. I pull you over, not letting go.. kiss me... Hungry eyes, mine. Hungry me, no.

I need you near. I'll fall if you go back, drown if your lips leave mine, if your hands take off.

You caress my cheek, the other. How does that feel? Intense? I nod, you caress, I feel.

My skin lusts for you, my self does. Persuasive. More.. skin.. touching .. mine ... you ... me ... feel ... quiver...

Closed curtains.

***