Don't!

Why are people killing each other, everywhere and every minute?

Do you know how many years without war there were in the 20th century? Five! Five years of 100, five little years during which people could do without killing their fellow countrymen, their neighbours, their relatives.

There is murder and violence everywhere. Politicians declare war when they get tired of negotiating. Or when they see their own profit and a chance to grab it.

People kill when they feel mistreated, when they think somebody else is better off than they are. They try to make a point, aim for power, influence. And they give a damn about how many innocent people they rob of their lives, their families, their friends.

What is our first impulse? To hit back, to kill the killers.

Don't ... it won't amend a thing.

Kama Sutra

Kama Sutra - a love story so genuine, so passionate, so all consuming... To love like that just once, to be loved so strongly... A love so intense that it doesn't end with death...

I want to love like that only once, risk everything for my love... Betray and lie to all others and being true to only him... Giving my life to save his..

I don't like Sundays

The sun is shining through my roof-light, it's bright in here, I just got up. And suddenly everything looks more positive than last night, I don't feel like the world is collapsing on top of me anymore.

Maybe it's just the Sunday after all? If I look back: the negative, whining and aggressive posts are written on a Sunday.

Or maybe I just realised why I am having such a hard time making things move. Because everything always just came my way without me having to do much, taking a lot of initiative. I was a good student. At school, I hardly studied for the first 8 years and still was among the top four of my class. During the last four years of school, I had to do a little more... I didn't kill myself, like others did and still was 10th best in my class level with a hundred students.

Then university. At first, it came like a shock. We have to study! There are students that have advantages I don't have. The ones that have grown up bilingual, those who spent a year abroad after graduating from school. And suddenly it wasn't enough to be intelligent. But that was the first shock. Soon I realised that even those put their pants on one leg at a time. And I caught up.
Studies are the time to party - and I partied a lot. My best friend, my "classmate", is very industrious, always was, always will be. She hardly partied, studied five, six hours beyond classes on an average day. It is undisputed that she did great, she graduated with the best possible GPA. But I was only one grade below - without sitting behind my books for hours, copying my notes every day and taking my dictionaries to bed with me. I partied, I went out, I had fun. And I was a student research assistant to my professor, twice!

First job in a city of unemployed people? Difficult. I found something, a small work that just earned me some extra-money beside the "parental stipend". The next two jobs - after my second degree - almost found me instead of me them. I browsed the website of the local Adults' Education Centre, one week before the beginning of the new term and they were desperately looking for me. One year later, my current job practically fell into my lap.
Oh and I should mention: when I was really actively and intensely searching for work, I found nothing. In L., 15 applications - not a single offer, in B. 36 (!) applications - lots of "we would love to but..", "not now but.." and also some "---".

Why am I saying all this? Not to brag, even if it partly sounded like it. No, just to clarify that even now, I expect things to turn around, to get better again. And I will wait, keeping me busy with other activities, enjoying the fact that I have time - for Hindi, photography, baking, running, crafts... to name a few.

Advice to myself

Why does the wrong person say all the right things and why does the right person not say anything?

Depressed? Frustrated? If you're waiting for someone to pull you out of that swamp, you will wait in vain. Forget it. Don't rely on others, make your own decisions, fight your own fights. No one is going to help you out, everyone has their own life. Nobody gives a damn about anyone else.
And beware.. beware especially of those who promise to be there for you, to not let you down ever. They'll be the first ones to run away. How can you trust someone who doesn't trust you?

I'm not going anywhere in my life, I stagnate, I'm apathetic. Everything seems to go wrong, my frustration tolerance is unusually low. What is it today? Lack of sleep, existential crisis, the general recession?

Let's see if it'll still be there tomorrow. Till then..

How dare you!

How dare you thinking you know me?
How dare you tell how I am?
"You are nice, want respect, you are different"-
How would you know?

How dare you say I could be more?
How dare you question my life?
"That is not yet the top, she can climb high"-
What business of yours?

How dare you advising me still?
How dare you not seeing I grew up?
"Please do this, don't do that, listen once"-
Let me make my mistakes!