Happiness Hangover

I'm alone. I sometimes (ok, often) feel that we're all little cubes, single cubes with smooth sides. We occasionally touch on the outside and then we slide on.. or whichever way cubes move. We talk but don't say anything. We want to share but nobody wants to listen. And can you blame them? Like if you're reading this, I probably half-forced you by putting this up as my status message.

We're too independent for our own good. We don't need anyone, we don't need help (or if we do, we must be weird), we don't need closeness. That's what we're telling ourselves and one another. Convincingly. Very.

Why am I saying "we"? I can't open up, I can't get close to anyone, I can't depend .. out of fear to get hurt, to bore, to bother, to become unwanted, avoided, rejected. So when I like you, like spending time with you too much, I'll avoid you. I'll avoid you until I don't need you anymore. Then only I'll come back. If I didn't, I would be this whining little thing, begging for your attention, for your care, even for your sympathy.

Why am I posting this here, in public ('cos which place could be more public than the net?), in a language that most everybody understands? Because nobody cares. Even if you read this, you won't remember it in a day. In a week if you know me.

I think that being a good listener doesn't just mean to listen. Listening is only one side, hmming at the right places, giving advice or feedback when asked. The other side is remembering what you heard.

Do you know why I'm being liked? Because I'm emanating positiveness, they say I'm this happy-go-lucky, funny girl. "You're always in a good mood, you're oozing happiness and joviality". And if not? If I get sad, moody, angry, whiny, cranky - will you leave me? Yes, you will. And if you don't, you'll at least want to but be too polite. Oh and to make it worse, you could ask me what is wrong. What came onto me, what happened.

Please please please please don't. Just let me breathe into your sweater for a while. Let me put my head on the spot between your shoulder and your chest, wrap your arms around me, rest your chin onto my hair and just say nothing..