What it means

I've been planning this trip, ok more like dreaming about it, for more than four years now, have asked around what best to visit, what probably to avoid. In India, I have chat friends and real life friends and a mix of both. So there is someone to visit, someone to pick me up from the airport, someone to stay with, someone to accompany me on my excursions to discover the world.

Then, last year, I met you and things changed. 'I like him, will I meet him, can I trust him, do I want to, do I dare?' I went back and forth between yes, no and eventually yes more times than Vicky Pollard, so don't think I made that an easy decision for myself. Finally, I settled on yes and kinda confronted you with the result of my thought process.

And there you go and say no. I mean you didn't say no outright, you are keeping your options open: 'Factor me out but I reserve the right to kidnap you at any point'. I said fine, I'm ok with that. Turns out - not so much, but I will get used to the idea. Do you realise what that means for you and for us? Alright, some things won't change. I'll still want you in my life - as a friend. But .. ok, more about that later..

This is the first time I'm gonna go to India, doing all the preparations in six (!) weeks. Why do you think I'm rushing it so much to be sure I'll make it in April? Any clue? No? Ok.
My friends will still be there later, I haven't seen them in a while, we'd all live if that went on for another while. It's you I'm dying to see, to turn this "hanging in the air" kinda thing that we have into something real. Or not. But to see what it's all about, what you're really like, what we could or couldn't be.

Now to the above mentioned "but". If we don't meet this time, I won't try again. Chances are that I'll come back in November/December but I won't reach out to you then. I won't make another effort to meet you. We can still be friends, I will still like talking you, still appreciate you and seek your opinion on things but what we will be is chat friends. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a one time opportunity. I'm not trying to pressure let alone threaten you (You know what my threats look like, this isn't one.), I am merely stating a simple fact. It will be this time. Or it won't.