Morning

Head resting on my palm, 

I see you in the morning light sliced by the blinds.

Watching you toss and turn, 

withdrawing to the edge. 

You touch me passing by, 

my hand caressing you.

You turn again, half open eyes. 

I breathe you in, your nose is rubbing mine. 

You kiss my lips, they lightly touch. 

Your arms stretch out, drawing me close. 

I feel your body, against my cool skin you are warm. 

The soft embrace grows strong, the want..


 

I don't know

We were so happy, so insanely, crazily, stupidly happy
And now, we are everything but.

We had all those dreams and those plans
Now they seem so unreal.

We might have had a real chance
When did we blow it so bad?

We had fights, would make up
But now, chilly silence prevails.

Hope springs eternal they say
Well, it isn't dead but it sure breathes low...

What it means

I've been planning this trip, ok more like dreaming about it, for more than four years now, have asked around what best to visit, what probably to avoid. In India, I have chat friends and real life friends and a mix of both. So there is someone to visit, someone to pick me up from the airport, someone to stay with, someone to accompany me on my excursions to discover the world.

Then, last year, I met you and things changed. 'I like him, will I meet him, can I trust him, do I want to, do I dare?' I went back and forth between yes, no and eventually yes more times than Vicky Pollard, so don't think I made that an easy decision for myself. Finally, I settled on yes and kinda confronted you with the result of my thought process.

And there you go and say no. I mean you didn't say no outright, you are keeping your options open: 'Factor me out but I reserve the right to kidnap you at any point'. I said fine, I'm ok with that. Turns out - not so much, but I will get used to the idea. Do you realise what that means for you and for us? Alright, some things won't change. I'll still want you in my life - as a friend. But .. ok, more about that later..

This is the first time I'm gonna go to India, doing all the preparations in six (!) weeks. Why do you think I'm rushing it so much to be sure I'll make it in April? Any clue? No? Ok.
My friends will still be there later, I haven't seen them in a while, we'd all live if that went on for another while. It's you I'm dying to see, to turn this "hanging in the air" kinda thing that we have into something real. Or not. But to see what it's all about, what you're really like, what we could or couldn't be.

Now to the above mentioned "but". If we don't meet this time, I won't try again. Chances are that I'll come back in November/December but I won't reach out to you then. I won't make another effort to meet you. We can still be friends, I will still like talking you, still appreciate you and seek your opinion on things but what we will be is chat friends. Nothing more, nothing less. This is a one time opportunity. I'm not trying to pressure let alone threaten you (You know what my threats look like, this isn't one.), I am merely stating a simple fact. It will be this time. Or it won't.

The Call

I'm sitting, waiting, thinking
I'm waiting for your call.
'No pressure', I once told you,
'I'll be good either way'.

I so want you to call me,
take that brave step, say 'Come!'.
Pick me up, collect the pieces,
put them together now.

I don't care what they say,
Don't care much 'bout my pride.
I care about my happiness
and very much for you.

I said I'll always want you,
forever in my life.
I'll always want to hear you,
to talk and to be close.

Not yet

I hadn't planned on telling you yet for a long while. Now it came up. There is no way I can tell you just like that, so here:

Yes, there is a reason.

Yes, it's serious.

Yes, it's ugly.

Yes, I'm being treated.

Yes, with medication.

Yes, I have all the symptoms. Classic.

Yes, it has consequences.

Yes, for me.

Yes, for my life.

Yes, maybe indirectly for you.

No, it's not contagious.

No, it's not deadly.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Yes, it's visible (did I mention it's ugly?).

Yes, it happens.

Yes, I'm working on it.

No, it can't be cured, just treated.

Yes, I'm 4 - 12%.

No, I definitely won't tell you yet. Raincheck.