Not yet

I hadn't planned on telling you yet for a long while. Now it came up. There is no way I can tell you just like that, so here:

Yes, there is a reason.

Yes, it's serious.

Yes, it's ugly.

Yes, I'm being treated.

Yes, with medication.

Yes, I have all the symptoms. Classic.

Yes, it has consequences.

Yes, for me.

Yes, for my life.

Yes, maybe indirectly for you.

No, it's not contagious.

No, it's not deadly.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Yes, it's visible (did I mention it's ugly?).

Yes, it happens.

Yes, I'm working on it.

No, it can't be cured, just treated.

Yes, I'm 4 - 12%.

No, I definitely won't tell you yet. Raincheck.

I want

I want to see your face
and feel your eyes on me.
I want to run to you
and you to catch me.

I want to clear your doubts
and lose my fears in your embrace.
I want to comfort you,
soak up your tears.

I want to know the nameless, faceless
that have what I don't - you.
I want to see your life,
I want to be a part.

I want to wake up,
feel your smile on me.
I want to fight with you,
kiss and make up.

I want to miss you only when you're gone,
want to experience the joy of being near.
I want to be with you.
I want you.

"Happiness is only real when shared"

When I'm happy, I want everyone of my friends to feel the same. I want to share my happiness.

But R. is dissatisfied with her life, N. is unhappily in love, A. is just about ok, M. remembers the feeling from long ago. I want to make it all good for them, for the selfish reason that they'd be as happy as I am.

And to tell them the reason why I'm so happy, the reason that is you. You sprang it on me, out of the blue.
"I'm hard-boiled. Maybe I've been hurt too many times. I don't think I can fall in love anymore", this is what I used to say (and believe) whenever the topic came up.

Turns out I was wrong. Confusion ('where are you going with this?') turned into surprise ('really? me?'), joy ('wow, really me! really you!') and euphoria ('you know, I like him soo flipping much').

You have been in this longer than me but I think I'm catching up so quickly it's almost embarrassing. I look out to your texts, smile into my phone and just at the world around me, feel warm when I hear your voice (did I tell you how I love your voice?). You solve the riddles of life for me, make me laugh where I would have frowned, walk on where I might have stopped, encourage me.

I'm happy.