Missed you

This past weekend, my friend F. was here to visit. He used to be my roommate for five years and two apartments, until six years ago. We live about 600 km apart now but are still in touch, still friends. And while we're apart, we're both fine, living our respective lives, having a good time. Now when we met for the first time in 1.5 years, I realised that I missed him. We had so much fun all weekend and didn't even get around to doing all the great things that were on the list.

Similar with N. We are the kind of friends who can be out of touch for months, no expectations, no pressure. And then we meet again...

Or Av. We used to chat almost daily, text each other and occasionally talk on the phone during the past weeks, our conversations getting more and more intense with time. Due to his tight work schedule and my visitor, we hardly talked at all since maybe a week. I was fine, didn't care, busy with training, new student and my weekend visitor. Today, we talked for a longer time again and all of a sudden it hit me that I had missed him quite a bit.

Is it just me or has anybody else experienced that - not missing a person much while they're gone but realising that there had been a void when you get back together?

About Last Night (not quite a film review)

It is 1986 in Chicago, 20 something Danny meets Debbie, same age, at a baseball game, looks are exchanged between the two. Afterwards he walks up to her, they get to talk and finally end up in bed that very night. And then again. And again.

So far so simple but Debbie has an affair with her boss and Danny believes a bit too much in his friend and colleague Bernie's advice ('You called her three times? Never call a broad more than twice a week!').

Debbie and Danny start falling in love, she breaks up with her boss, and in the morning of one night, Danny offers Debbie "a drawer". Next thing we see is Debbie informing her long-term friend and room mate Joan that she's moving in with Danny. Joan couldn't be less thrilled.

Shortly after they move in together, the problems start. Danny feels that Debbie('s stuff) is taking over the place, that there are too many changes. Debbie can see that he has had an awful day at work but to her question if everything is alright, he replies 'yes'. She feels forced to snoop around in order to find out anything about Danny at all that will help her to get closer to him. He won't open up, claiming that he just doesn't want to make her unhappy. Under tears she tells him that she is not unhappy.

The rest is not surprising. Both feel hemmed in by the relationship and so they decide to seperate even though they still love each other. Long story short: Things end well, and yay, we get a happy ending.

So far so cliché but as this is an 80s movie (part of my movie watching project), I asked myself a couple of questions while watching it: Did people move in faster? Were they more naive, more trusting or was it not that big a deal? Today, we are thinking and considering and reconsidering and weighing our options - was that different back then? And: Did people, especially men, generally avoid talking about their feelings, bottling them inside themselves until one day they would explode? If so, then I know at least one guy who would very well fit into that decade ;-)

Anyway, it was a nice film, one of the Brat Pack movies, nothing spectacular but entertaining, directed by Edward Zwick and with beautiful actors like Demi Moore as Debbie and Rob Lowe (*drool*) as Danny.

Oh, and if you think this review is too long - keep it to yourself - or the movie too old - that's what they call a classic.

Coming of Age

kid wants to play in the grown-ups' court
cannot reach to the shelf but won't listen to 'no'
kid wants to read all the grown-ups' books
cannot understand a word but so sure doesn't care

go, kid, and play with the other kids
go and have fun, leave the worries to us
wait till you grow up, wait till you get wise
we will heap responsibilities on you then

go, kid, and play, let your kite fly high
the era of innocence, enjoy while it lasts
bye kid, now run, I will wave after you
fall and stand up, little steps at a time

Original Of The Species

Just like we sometimes pull people into our life because we subconsciously need them at that moment in time (more about that in a later post), we occasionally get exactly the kind of music that speaks to us. For me right now it is U2's How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb and there particularly the song that gave the title to this post.

Music can be soothing they say (ugh, I don't want to be soothed). But what music does to me is putting things into perspective, to get me out of the blues (try Gary Moore's Still Got The Blues - ironic, I know) and to show me that it's silly wasting time being scared.

'Baby slow down
The end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your heart'

I'm not the only one feeling the way I do and at the same time I'm special to some. You know that but I keep forgetting it, oh well .. just need a reminder every now and then. And no, I won't mind if you tell it to me ;-)

'And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel ‘cos I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not'

I don't believe in modesty, I said so before. What we take for being humble is mostly fake. Why fake modesty if you can carry out real confidence? Not bragging, not telling the world that you are the greatest. But know what you can and accept recognition with a smile.

'Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it'

"We will kiss until we achieve perfection in it." - "And then, are we going to quit?" - "Well, we will mess up deliberately, so that we can keep practising." Isn't that a lovely perspective? The best..

'Some things you shouldn't get too good at
Like smiling, crying and celebrity'

(lyrics borrowed from Original Of The Species, of course)

Imbalance

When I look at my latest posts, I see that it's mainly pictures or poems or a mix of both. Every time I try prose, just narrating what I think the result is crap. I feel imbalanced, I'm unhappy with my writings, I feel it's superficial and meaningless, just blabber. That's the reason my other post of today got deleted - self-censoring.

Maybe it's because I'm unhappy with myself at this moment, with my life. I'm achieving nothing, I'm inactive .. and don't tell me it's good to be lazy sometimes. I'm like a lizzard without enjoying to be one, I risk to get caught and lose my tail. It's just a figure of speech but you know what I mean.

I have lost the ability to express my thoughts, lost the "knack" N. said I have. Or have my thoughts just become plain boring? Maybe both.
I can't finish anything, not even the smallest task. I hate it that I am like that, hate that I can't seem to change it.

There is no inspiration to paint either. When I think of all the things I have to do this week, it scares me to tears. I panic in a way that I get completely paralysed and I have no one to talk to about it. It's worse today than other days .. must be the Sunday effect. Let me try to get over with the day and look tomorrow in the eye.

Where

Where do the words go,
everything you ever typed?
Where do ideas go,
all the ones that you thought?

Where do the sounds go,
all the songs that you sing?
Where do your feelings go,
every thing that you touched?

Where is your strength, determination, conviction, the plans,
what happened to them?
Do we misplace our love, trade in our mind
for a calm life, for comfort, for rationality?