Have you read this book? It is about a girl who is suddenly, on the eve of her 9th birthday, able to taste feelings. She tastes the emotions the cook felt while making that dish, emotions that they are mostly unaware of or even if they weren't, they would never admit. A lot of the food is rendered almost inedible to her, packed with guilt, anger, hurry or depression.
What would my food taste like? Impatience, restlessness, insecurity and lots and lots of jealousy? Or yours - have you thought about it? Are you curious or would you prefer not to know?
Here's a suggestion: tell me the truth. Don't worry, I won't pity you if you say you're bad. Won't ask what's wrong when you admit you're not sure. I'll say ok, acknowledge it with a nod, that's all. I just want to know, know where I amwith you. Just stop pretending, let me see the side of yours that is not pretty, funny and optimistic, "show me your soul", as they sing.
I'll still like you, no less than before, so go for it, let's all take the plunge. Now!
So here's what I've learned from life and generous as I am (oh well), I share it with you:
1 - Don't offer anything you're not really readily seriously and voluntarily willing to give. Be it an invitation, accepting one such, a gift or help. Because you know, people might just take you up on it. (Otherwise, you could have someone sleep on your couch in the corridor that you don't really want to see in the morning, let alone having to make breakfast conversation with.)
2 - If people are offering something to you and you want it, say yes. Don't act shy or modest or indecisive. Accept it and thank them. (This way, you can acquire a beautiful photo on canvas, caramel filled chocolate or a sky disk style pendant.)
3 - If however they're offering something you don't want (are not interested in, own already or can't stand), don't hesitate to refuse it. Politely but firmly. (And so you don't end up with besan ka laddoo (yuck!) or a hideous calendar on Central German castles.)
Dragging.. a little, not too much.. keeping it in. Don't breathe out yet, don't cough. The trick is to breathe out before. I drag, blink, swallow dry, breathe in some more, hold my breath .. there, phew...
Do you feel anything?
Shaking my head no.
Ok, go again.. here .. vas-y!
Dragging.. a little .. same procedure.. breathing out, leaning back a little...Whoa! I feel like sliding down to the floor, unable to stand on my legs but don't. I get hold of the window sill, of the wall on the other side of the small bathroom.
I'll fall.. or am I? Out of the bathroom, gathering strength, moving my body with my will, willing myself onto the sofa. Long distance... phew.
I'll fall .. I'll fricking fall!! Grabbing onto the cushion.. or else.. Where are you? How can you be standing there, too far away, doing whatever?? Are you fucking kidding me?
Whoa! What the fuck is happening to me? The wall shows white flowers on white ground. And they are moving! Whoa..
That, child, is m. for you.
I thought I was resistant!
Resistant? That's what you thought, girl?!You laugh.
Come here, where are you?Come!! Finally. Sit next to me, come closer, CLOSER!!
One hand holding onto the cushion, my right hand clinging into you, squeezing your palm.
Let's go, let's eat, you must be hungry!
Hungry? Eat? What? Umm.. no..
I watch you eat, I can't. Your food is racing on your plate. Whoa..
There's something.. something.. needs to be done.. food.. prepare.. this .. in there..
What? I can't understand you.
Gestures.. saying no.. leave.. i t...
Moving my eyes is scary.. moving my head hurts .. talking's a miner's work. I don't, I...
You look at me.. you say... what did you say? What? Incomprehension galore. Say again. I hear you, don't listen, don't remember. I wonder.. why?
Did I call you? Can't be, can't talk, can't force myself to walk. Hard work.. no way, no. NO!
You're standing beside me. Touch me! Kiss me.. touch.. hold... come here..
Eat something.. this later, you say.You think? Neah, forget. I pull you over, not letting go.. kiss me... Hungry eyes, mine. Hungry me, no.
I need you near. I'll fall if you go back, drown if your lips leave mine, if your hands take off.
You caress my cheek, the other.How does that feel? Intense?I nod, you caress, I feel.
My skin lusts for you, my self does. Persuasive. More.. skin.. touching .. mine ... you ... me ... feel ... quiver...
I was watching "Little House on the Prairie", the episode where they're snowed in at Christmas and Charles has to climb out of the loft window, walk over the three-metres high snow to the barn with his snow shoes on and get the presents. When he is back, Caroline and him are sitting by the open window, talking and in no hurry to close the window while downstairs, the fire is glowing.
And I thought about this (pleasant) carelessness and that we might never have it again, in any field. I can't turn on the heating as much as I'd really want to (I wouldn't mind 24°C in winter), let alone have it on while the window is open. We can't even just make a fire outside without thinking about it where ever it pleases us because wood/coal/fuel has become precious.
This led to more thinking: Whatever you do, if you think about the consequences, you can't do it. You (I) can't eat meat because animal farming is the main factor contributing to climate changes and global warming. Can't eat fish either because to "catch" the kind that you'd like on your plate, dozens of others are being killed.
So everything we do and the way we do it is determined by one of two factors: money and conscience. That sucks!
...actually the way I am but the "we" kind of sounds better.. now where did I steal that title...?
This is how my posts come to life: An idea comes to my mind, I think on it and then decide to write about it. While writing, I feel that I should add this or without that, it wouldn't be complete or this part should definitely be analysed. And then it goes way beyond that idea I first had in my mind. I reckon that 12 years of school and n years of university have spoilt me, have corrupted my way of briefly expressing my thoughts. You got graded better if you elaborately rolled out your ideas and chewed on them for pages and pages instead of just saying what you wanted to say and be done with it. Oh and a conclusion of course.. So there, blame it on education!
Some three years ago, we - a group of more or less musically challenged people - used to sing a lot and dedicate songs to one another. In the same vein, I once mentioned to S. that who ever would dedicate a certain song (you'll know later) to me and mean it, could be sure of my love (or something to that effect) forever. That brings me to another question: Do we love or like who loves us? I mean can you imagine someone telling you that they like you and you reply: 'Yea, but you suck.' Hardly..
But what I was actually getting at was this: A top ten list of the subjectively most romantic songs.
"I'll kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train
I'll kiss you all starry eyed my body swingin' from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see
In anyone else but you"
"Wie vor Jahr und Tag ist noch immerfort
Das Glück und dein Name dasselbe Wort
Allein, was sich geändert haben mag:
Ich lieb' dich noch mehr als vor Jahr und Tag"
(Just like days and years ago, the word for happiness rhymes with your name.
The only thing that might have changed is that my love's grown stronger yet than back that day)
"Sunny, thank you for the sunshine bouquet.
Sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way.
You gave to me your all and all.
Now I feel ten feet tall.
Sunny one so true, I love you."
"Une histoire d'amour
C'est la chanson de l'océan, les nuits d'été
Un souvenir qui va durer l'éternité
Pour moi ce soir la vie s'en va mais notre amour
Ne finit pas"
(A love story, it is the song of the ocean, it's summer nights, a memory that's gonna last eternally.
The life is leaving me tonight but our love will never end)
So this is my personal little list, feel free to add your own favourites to it.
PS: The hyperlinks in the song titles take you to the songs, obviously.
PPS: The translation of the French and German songs are by me if you like them, and if you don’t, I found them somewhere on the net ;-)
I'm alone. I sometimes (ok, often) feel that we're all little cubes, single cubes with smooth sides. We occasionally touch on the outside and then we slide on.. or whichever way cubes move. We talk but don't say anything. We want to share but nobody wants to listen. And can you blame them? Like if you're reading this, I probably half-forced you by putting this up as my status message.
We're too independent for our own good. We don't need anyone, we don't need help (or if we do, we must be weird), we don't need closeness. That's what we're telling ourselves and one another. Convincingly. Very.
Why am I saying "we"? I can't open up, I can't get close to anyone, I can't depend .. out of fear to get hurt, to bore, to bother, to become unwanted, avoided, rejected. So when I like you, like spending time with you too much, I'll avoid you. I'll avoid you until I don't need you anymore. Then only I'll come back. If I didn't, I would be this whining little thing, begging for your attention, for your care, even for your sympathy.
Why am I posting this here, in public ('cos which place could be more public than the net?), in a language that most everybody understands? Because nobody cares. Even if you read this, you won't remember it in a day. In a week if you know me.
I think that being a good listener doesn't just mean to listen. Listening is only one side, hmming at the right places, giving advice or feedback when asked. The other side is remembering what you heard.
Do you know why I'm being liked? Because I'm emanating positiveness, they say I'm this happy-go-lucky, funny girl. "You're always in a good mood, you're oozing happiness and joviality". And if not? If I get sad, moody, angry, whiny, cranky - will you leave me? Yes, you will. And if you don't, you'll at least want to but be too polite. Oh and to make it worse, you could ask me what is wrong. What came onto me, what happened.
Please please please please don't. Just let me breathe into your sweater for a while. Let me put my head on the spot between your shoulder and your chest, wrap your arms around me, rest your chin onto my hair and just say nothing..
I'm listening to this song at least once or twice every day since Y. (thanks, babes ;-) ) sent me the link and now I would like to share it with you. I love it because somewhere deep down, I have Celtic roots - this kind of music touches them and makes them vibrate :-)
A couple of years ago, S. and I established what we are respectively: she very outgoing, self-confident bordering aggressive but introvert, me pathologically shy - those who know me would confirm my self-description - often politely reserved but basically extrovert.
Now the other day, Y. and I were talking about the differences between introverts and extroverts. He is one of the former ones, too. Doesn't like too many people around himself, his energy is taken up by those surrounding him and he needs solitude to recharge his batteries. Interestingly enough, it was him who did most of the talking that day and I liked that, I prefer being entertained to entertaining, call it laziness if you will..
So that's how it works: introverts lose energy by being with others while extroverts like me on the contrary recharge their batteries in company?!
That would explain a few things, like why I can't sleep, sometimes for days until I'm halfway unconscious from sleep deprivation (ok, I'm exaggerating but not by much) when I have friends staying with me - because my batteries are simply "overcharged". Or the fact that I leave refreshed from my favourite classes, even at 7 p.m.
Oh and speaking of class: I had a feeling today that the job I do is actually quite apt for a spoiled single child and attention hogger like me - it's like a children's birthday party where I always decide what we are playing, nobody dares contradicting me and I get all the attention ;-)
