Not yet

I hadn't planned on telling you yet for a long while. Now it came up. There is no way I can tell you just like that, so here:

Yes, there is a reason.

Yes, it's serious.

Yes, it's ugly.

Yes, I'm being treated.

Yes, with medication.

Yes, I have all the symptoms. Classic.

Yes, it has consequences.

Yes, for me.

Yes, for my life.

Yes, maybe indirectly for you.

No, it's not contagious.

No, it's not deadly.

No, it doesn't hurt.

Yes, it's visible (did I mention it's ugly?).

Yes, it happens.

Yes, I'm working on it.

No, it can't be cured, just treated.

Yes, I'm 4 - 12%.

No, I definitely won't tell you yet. Raincheck.

I want

I want to see your face
and feel your eyes on me.
I want to run to you
and you to catch me.

I want to clear your doubts
and lose my fears in your embrace.
I want to comfort you,
soak up your tears.

I want to know the nameless, faceless
that have what I don't - you.
I want to see your life,
I want to be a part.

I want to wake up,
feel your smile on me.
I want to fight with you,
kiss and make up.

I want to miss you only when you're gone,
want to experience the joy of being near.
I want to be with you.
I want you.

"Happiness is only real when shared"

When I'm happy, I want everyone of my friends to feel the same. I want to share my happiness.

But R. is dissatisfied with her life, N. is unhappily in love, A. is just about ok, M. remembers the feeling from long ago. I want to make it all good for them, for the selfish reason that they'd be as happy as I am.

And to tell them the reason why I'm so happy, the reason that is you. You sprang it on me, out of the blue.
"I'm hard-boiled. Maybe I've been hurt too many times. I don't think I can fall in love anymore", this is what I used to say (and believe) whenever the topic came up.

Turns out I was wrong. Confusion ('where are you going with this?') turned into surprise ('really? me?'), joy ('wow, really me! really you!') and euphoria ('you know, I like him soo flipping much').

You have been in this longer than me but I think I'm catching up so quickly it's almost embarrassing. I look out to your texts, smile into my phone and just at the world around me, feel warm when I hear your voice (did I tell you how I love your voice?). You solve the riddles of life for me, make me laugh where I would have frowned, walk on where I might have stopped, encourage me.

I'm happy.

What it takes

...I write or maybe I should say I scribble. Strange poems, short stories and the odd movie review. But I would never, could never write a novel.

...I read a lot and so I was wondering what it takes to get me hooked in the first place, to keep me reading on way beyond my bedtime and to finally leave me wanting more and feeling a little sad.

...Vikram Seth has it and so do Maeve Binchy, Rubina Uzzaman, Elizabeth Noble, Richard Bach,... to name just a few. But what do they have?

...A core for their novels to begin with. An idea that turns into a story, with twists and turns, a plot which is gripping and plausible, heroes I can identify with and whose lives I am interested in following.

...They need excellent linguistic and stilistic skills because nothing is more annoying than stumbling over grammatical mistakes or reading through repetitions galore.

...And last but not least, they must have patience and stamina. The patience to bring situations to life, to build around the dialogues and most of all the stamina to work through a writer's block.

...So Vikram, Maeve, Rubina, Elizabeth, Richard - whatever it is: Keep doing what you're doing!

Liquid Blanket

I dive into your liquid hug
you flow around me
hug me but don't hold.

I sink in deeper
your wavy warm embrace.

The liquid vertigo that grips me
I'm floating up
I leave you...

The particular sadness of lemon cake

Have you read this book? It is about a girl who is suddenly, on the eve of her 9th birthday, able to taste feelings. She tastes the emotions the cook felt while making that dish, emotions that they are mostly unaware of or even if they weren't, they would never admit. A lot of the food is rendered almost inedible to her, packed with guilt, anger, hurry or depression.

What would my food taste like? Impatience, restlessness, insecurity and lots and lots of jealousy? Or yours - have you thought about it? Are you curious or would you prefer not to know?

Here's a suggestion: tell me the truth. Don't worry, I won't pity you if you say you're bad. Won't ask what's wrong when you admit you're not sure. I'll say ok, acknowledge it with a nod, that's all. I just want to know, know where I am with you. Just stop pretending, let me see the side of yours that is not pretty, funny and optimistic, "show me your soul", as they sing.

I'll still like you, no less than before, so go for it, let's all take the plunge. Now!

Little bits of self-earned wisdom

So here's what I've learned from life and generous as I am (oh well), I share it with you:

1 - Don't offer anything you're not really readily seriously and voluntarily willing to give. Be it an invitation, accepting one such, a gift or help. Because you know, people might just take you up on it.
(Otherwise, you could have someone sleep on your couch in the corridor that you don't really want to see in the morning, let alone having to make breakfast conversation with.)

2 - If people are offering something to you and you want it, say yes. Don't act shy or modest or indecisive. Accept it and thank them.
(This way, you can acquire a beautiful photo on canvas, caramel filled chocolate or a sky disk style pendant.)

3 - If however they're offering something you don't want (are not interested in, own already or can't stand), don't hesitate to refuse it. Politely but firmly.
(And so you don't end up with besan ka laddoo (yuck!) or a hideous calendar on Central German castles.)

You're welcome :-)

Of stone flowers..

Take another drag. Ok, ready? Vas-y!

Dragging.. a little, not too much.. keeping it in. Don't breathe out yet, don't cough. The trick is to breathe out before. I drag, blink, swallow dry, breathe in some more, hold my breath .. there, phew...

Do you feel anything?

Shaking my head no.

Ok, go again.. here .. vas-y!

Dragging.. a little .. same procedure.. breathing out, leaning back a little...Whoa! I feel like sliding down to the floor, unable to stand on my legs but don't. I get hold of the window sill, of the wall on the other side of the small bathroom.

I'll fall.. or am I? Out of the bathroom, gathering strength, moving my body with my will, willing myself onto the sofa. Long distance... phew.

I'll fall .. I'll fricking fall!! Grabbing onto the cushion.. or else.. Where are you? How can you be standing there, too far away, doing whatever?? Are you fucking kidding me?

Whoa! What the fuck is happening to me? The wall shows white flowers on white ground. And they are moving! Whoa..

That, child, is m. for you.

I thought I was resistant!

Resistant? That's what you thought, girl?! You laugh.

Come here, where are you? Come!! Finally. Sit next to me, come closer, CLOSER!!

One hand holding onto the cushion, my right hand clinging into you, squeezing your palm.

Let's go, let's eat, you must be hungry!

Hungry? Eat? What? Umm.. no..

I watch you eat, I can't. Your food is racing on your plate. Whoa..

There's something.. something.. needs to be done.. food.. prepare.. this .. in there..

What? I can't understand you.

Gestures.. saying no.. leave.. i t...

Moving my eyes is scary.. moving my head hurts .. talking's a miner's work. I don't, I...

You look at me.. you say... what did you say? What? Incomprehension galore.
Say again. I hear you, don't listen, don't remember. I wonder.. why?

Did I call you? Can't be, can't talk, can't force myself to walk. Hard work.. no way, no. NO!

You're standing beside me. Touch me! Kiss me.. touch.. hold... come here..

Eat something.. this later, you say. You think? Neah, forget. I pull you over, not letting go.. kiss me... Hungry eyes, mine. Hungry me, no.

I need you near. I'll fall if you go back, drown if your lips leave mine, if your hands take off.

You caress my cheek, the other. How does that feel? Intense? I nod, you caress, I feel.

My skin lusts for you, my self does. Persuasive. More.. skin.. touching .. mine ... you ... me ... feel ... quiver...

Closed curtains.

***

Thinking it through

I was watching "Little House on the Prairie", the episode where they're snowed in at Christmas and Charles has to climb out of the loft window, walk over the three-metres high snow to the barn with his snow shoes on and get the presents. When he is back, Caroline and him are sitting by the open window, talking and in no hurry to close the window while downstairs, the fire is glowing.

And I thought about this (pleasant) carelessness and that we might never have it again, in any field. I can't turn on the heating as much as I'd really want to (I wouldn't mind 24°C in winter), let alone have it on while the window is open. We can't even just make a fire outside without thinking about it where ever it pleases us because wood/coal/fuel has become precious.

This led to more thinking: Whatever you do, if you think about the consequences, you can't do it. You (I) can't eat meat because animal farming is the main factor contributing to climate changes and global warming. Can't eat fish either because to "catch" the kind that you'd like on your plate, dozens of others are being killed.

So everything we do and the way we do it is determined by one of two factors: money and conscience. That sucks!

The way we are

...actually the way I am but the "we" kind of sounds better.. now where did I steal that title...?

This is how my posts come to life: An idea comes to my mind, I think on it and then decide to write about it. While writing, I feel that I should add this or without that, it wouldn't be complete or this part should definitely be analysed. And then it goes way beyond that idea I first had in my mind. I reckon that 12 years of school and n years of university have spoilt me, have corrupted my way of briefly expressing my thoughts. You got graded better if you elaborately rolled out your ideas and chewed on them for pages and pages instead of just saying what you wanted to say and be done with it. Oh and a conclusion of course.. So there, blame it on education!

Romance - not quite a music review

Some three years ago, we - a group of more or less musically challenged people - used to sing a lot and dedicate songs to one another. In the same vein, I once mentioned to S. that who ever would dedicate a certain song (you'll know later) to me and mean it, could be sure of my love (or something to that effect) forever. That brings me to another question: Do we love or like who loves us? I mean can you imagine someone telling you that they like you and you reply: 'Yea, but you suck.' Hardly..

But what I was actually getting at was this: A top ten list of the subjectively most romantic songs.

So here we go, in order of "romanticness":

1. I Walk Beside You - Dream Theater

“Let me know what plagues your mind

Let me be the one to know you best

Be the one to hold you up

When you feel like you’re sinking”

2. Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce

“If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I’d like to do

Is to save every day

Till eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you”

3. Für Immer Und Dich - Rio Reiser

“Ich lache für Dich, wein für Dich
Ich regne und ich schein für Dich
Versetz die ganze Welt für Dich
Für Dich und immer für Dich
Für immer und Dich“

(I’ll laugh for you, cry for you/ I’ll rain and I will shine for you/ Move the entire world for you// For you and always for you/ Forever and you)

4. Anyone Else But You - Moldy Peaches

"I'll kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train
I'll kiss you all starry eyed my body swingin' from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see
In anyone else but you"

5. I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi

"I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you"

6. Show Me Your Soul - Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Into my life you were injected
Not something that I expected
Now I smile from your affection
We have made a soul connection”

7. This One - Paul McCartney

"Did I ever take you in my arms,
look you in the eye, tell you that I do?
Did I ever open up my heart,
Let you look inside?"

8. Wie vor Jahr und Tag - Reinhard Mey

"Wie vor Jahr und Tag ist noch immerfort
Das Glück und dein Name dasselbe Wort
Allein, was sich geändert haben mag:
Ich lieb' dich noch mehr als vor Jahr und Tag"

(Just like days and years ago, the word for happiness rhymes with your name.
The only thing that might have changed is that my love's grown stronger yet than back that day)

9. Sunny - Paul Carrack

"Sunny, thank you for the sunshine bouquet.
Sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way.
You gave to me your all and all.
Now I feel ten feet tall.
Sunny one so true, I love you."

10. Une histoire d'amour - Mireille Mathieu

"Une histoire d'amour
C'est la chanson de l'océan, les nuits d'été
Un souvenir qui va durer l'éternité
Pour moi ce soir la vie s'en va mais notre amour
Ne finit pas"

(A love story, it is the song of the ocean, it's summer nights, a memory that's gonna last eternally.
The life is leaving me tonight but our love will never end)

So this is my personal little list, feel free to add your own favourites to it.

PS: The hyperlinks in the song titles take you to the songs, obviously.

PPS: The translation of the French and German songs are by me if you like them, and if you don’t, I found them somewhere on the net ;-)