poMEgranate

A pomegranate,
leath'ry feel,
unimpressive outside,
a challenge to open up.

But once it's cracked,
you see the juices flowing,
a red, sweet, luscious liquid,
unstoppable and irresistible.

It is not one, not uniform,
it's thousand little seeds,
like thoughts, experiences
or personalities...

Happiness Hangover

I'm alone. I sometimes (ok, often) feel that we're all little cubes, single cubes with smooth sides. We occasionally touch on the outside and then we slide on.. or whichever way cubes move. We talk but don't say anything. We want to share but nobody wants to listen. And can you blame them? Like if you're reading this, I probably half-forced you by putting this up as my status message.

We're too independent for our own good. We don't need anyone, we don't need help (or if we do, we must be weird), we don't need closeness. That's what we're telling ourselves and one another. Convincingly. Very.

Why am I saying "we"? I can't open up, I can't get close to anyone, I can't depend .. out of fear to get hurt, to bore, to bother, to become unwanted, avoided, rejected. So when I like you, like spending time with you too much, I'll avoid you. I'll avoid you until I don't need you anymore. Then only I'll come back. If I didn't, I would be this whining little thing, begging for your attention, for your care, even for your sympathy.

Why am I posting this here, in public ('cos which place could be more public than the net?), in a language that most everybody understands? Because nobody cares. Even if you read this, you won't remember it in a day. In a week if you know me.

I think that being a good listener doesn't just mean to listen. Listening is only one side, hmming at the right places, giving advice or feedback when asked. The other side is remembering what you heard.

Do you know why I'm being liked? Because I'm emanating positiveness, they say I'm this happy-go-lucky, funny girl. "You're always in a good mood, you're oozing happiness and joviality". And if not? If I get sad, moody, angry, whiny, cranky - will you leave me? Yes, you will. And if you don't, you'll at least want to but be too polite. Oh and to make it worse, you could ask me what is wrong. What came onto me, what happened.

Please please please please don't. Just let me breathe into your sweater for a while. Let me put my head on the spot between your shoulder and your chest, wrap your arms around me, rest your chin onto my hair and just say nothing..

Wat zullen we drinken...

I'm listening to this song at least once or twice every day since Y. (thanks, babes ;-) ) sent me the link and now I would like to share it with you. I love it because somewhere deep down, I have Celtic roots - this kind of music touches them and makes them vibrate :-)

Of aggressive introverts and shy extroverts

A couple of years ago, S. and I established what we are respectively: she very outgoing, self-confident bordering aggressive but introvert, me pathologically shy - those who know me would confirm my self-description - often politely reserved but basically extrovert.

Now the other day, Y. and I were talking about the differences between introverts and extroverts. He is one of the former ones, too. Doesn't like too many people around himself, his energy is taken up by those surrounding him and he needs solitude to recharge his batteries. Interestingly enough, it was him who did most of the talking that day and I liked that, I prefer being entertained to entertaining, call it laziness if you will..

So that's how it works: introverts lose energy by being with others while extroverts like me on the contrary recharge their batteries in company?!

That would explain a few things, like why I can't sleep, sometimes for days until I'm halfway unconscious from sleep deprivation (ok, I'm exaggerating but not by much) when I have friends staying with me - because my batteries are simply "overcharged". Or the fact that I leave refreshed from my favourite classes, even at 7 p.m.

Oh and speaking of class: I had a feeling today that the job I do is actually quite apt for a spoiled single child and attention hogger like me - it's like a children's birthday party where I always decide what we are playing, nobody dares contradicting me and I get all the attention ;-)

Punk's Not Dead

The soul's not dead
it's harder but not stone
it's tough but still recipient
is breathing, squirming, moving.

The soul still burns with all its little flames
the jealous needles pricking
It hurts but waves of indiff'rence
are washing off the pain.

And reason holds the soul
so tightly in its clamps
the picture red and black
and grey and stealy blue.

Making a difference

I was watching this really corny TV-show 7th Heaven (yea, shame on me, it's embarrassing) and this episode was about the difference Reverend Camden had made in all these people's lives. And that got me wondering: Are we all just "living around", doing our daily things and care about nothing but ourselves? Or are we making a difference just by thinking we do?

No great deeds on my record so far. Maybe I helped an old lady crossing the street, found someone who was lost and lent an ear more often than not. But does that count? Did it really change anything? At all?

Do I make a difference in my job? I want to believe that yes, that I'm enabling people to do something that they normally couldn't. But then does it really matter if that's me or somebody else? Or is that the wrong way of looking at it?

I want to make a difference, with big actions or little ones. But do I?

Up in the air

Up in the air is a movie that tells the story of Ryan (George Clooney) who lives to crisscross the country and fire people as humanly as possible if their bosses are too chicken to do it themselves. He spends more time in airplanes than at home, is a special customer with hotel chains like the Hilton and perceives the 40 odd days a year that he actually has to live in his own apartment as miserable. Ryan has brought flying to perfection, packs super efficiently, knows which check-in lines take the longest and collects miles as an end in itself.

But in fact, it is a movie about a man whose motto in life is to travel light. No commitments, no strings, no faux sentiments or deep feelings. Possessions weigh you down, people hold you back.

It is also the story of Natalie (Anna Kendrick) who turned down her dream job in San Francisco to follow a man who might have been "the one" to Omaha where she turns Ryan's routine upside down by introducing a system that allows to fire people per video conference.

And then there is Alex (Vera Farmiga), apparent business woman on the outside, frequent flier just like Ryan. She is a lady with whom he spends pleasant moments - no strings attached - and who gets him thinking about his life as it is. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone besides you? Is life maybe better when you have company?

In the end, Ryan is back to square one. It turns out that his philosophy of life with the self-imposed rules of aloofness and distance is the best one, certainly for him. Natalie leaves the company after a lady she had to fire killed herself, and applies for the job of her dreams. The video system is dismissed. Ryan keeps living his life and Alex hers. Everybody wins - or almost.

Teaching today

Could be the title of a magazine .. or maybe it is.

So .. what I noticed when working is that today, my hands (face, pants) aren't covered in chalk anymore but - me still being the same clumsy, messy girl - in four colours of whiteboard marker. Nice, eh.

And.. they say that you teach according to your own learning preferences - I never thought I did. I am a visual type (like many) but besides writing words down and making (admittedly horrible) drawings, I pronounce very clearly, make my students listen to texts and dialogues as well as talk a lot.
But lately I realised that I do teach the way I like to learn. I love to play. It's probably due to being a single child and not having girls my age in the village where I grew up - you can get me to do anything if you put it as a game or a dare.
So anyway, I didn't play enough as a child (that I mentally still am) and so I "force" my students to play little games in class more often than not. Mind you, my students are exclusively adults, aged from their early twenties to late fifties. Should that worry me?

PS: Sorry for being so Lorelai again ;-)

Energy

Monday: A little note on the front door tells me that they'll switch off the electricity from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Friday. Five hours, so what. And I won't have to work that day anyway.

Friday: Being used to my early hours, my body isn't too angry with me for dragging it out of bed at 6.30ish. Time to bake the scones I prepared last night and to enjoy them with yesterday's jam. I try one, like it and decide to go back to bed an hour later. Reading in bed - isn't that the best on a workless day?!

11.45: Got up for the second time, and now I realise that my brain can't have been fully awake yet, otherwise I would have prepared tea as long as I could. The heating - cold. All electrical devices - dead. Gas stove? Haven't had one of those since my third last shared flat as a university student. And the camping stove is not really an option either.

12.00: One hour to go. The laptop battery promises to last for another hour and 18 minutes. Hopefully the electricity guys will be on time.
They say that you shouldn't open the fridge without need which makes sense. I could eat dry bread (ugh), eat raw eggs (ewwwwww) which I forgot to put in the fridge yesterday and drink cold water with blackcurrant juice (hmm). Or sweets. But no, there is the organic box! Apples, carrots, a grapefruit, lettuce and so on. Hmm. Hmmmmm. The vegetable box is outside my apartment door; that's where I keep onions and potatoes as well (small flat you see).
And everytime I go and get something from out there, I'm a little afraid that the door might close behind me, leaving me outside, dressed less than adequately ;-)

12:05: Apple and juice. And cereal - dared opening the fridge for ten seconds to grab milk and jam.

12.55: My hands are getting cold. 16°C inside, 1°C and snow fall outside. I have a feeling that the electricity won't be back at 1 p.m. on the dot. Let's see.

1:07: The power is back. Time to reset the clocks and yes, to post this story..

1:21: Why is the heating not showing any signs of warming up??

Intelligently dumb

or: Why do people blog?

If you blog, you think you've got something to say. Something that will make the world a better place, that will make your readers more intelligent. Nobody who is writing a blog considers it a waste of webspace. We want to present ourselves and our abilities, be it poetry, sketching, prose, photography, movie and music reviews and what not.

The question that I'd like to have answered is: What made you start blogging in the first place? What was the trigger?

I Want An Apple or Scurvy?

I was on vacation for ten days, UK again after two years, and before, we had been talking and drooling about all the delicacies we were going to indulge in: krispy kreme doughnuts (yes, they're different), all sandwich varieties, cheese and onion pasty, chips (= thick cut fries) with salt and vinegar, shortbread, mint flavoured kitkats and and and...

So we did. As we couldn't cook there, not even microwave, vegetables weren't present much. Bramley apples figured everywhere so we had to give them a try as well - turns out they're rather sour and unfold their aroma in cooked dishes only, so that was not a hit either. I seriously feared scurvy at some point. "No, there is lettuce on the sandwich", "The doughnut had a raspberry filling" or "I had apple juice for breakfast and a raisin in my cereal" were the phrases we used to reassure ourselves and each other ;-)

Now I'm back and I badly crave an apple. A carrot. Some salad.

Luckily tomorrow is Wednesday - vegetable box day :D