Random Thoughts

I think that for everyone, there is one person (at a time) who loves you and one person whom you love. Ideally, it's the same. Often it is not..

Is love an "upgrade" to friendship or is it just a different feeling? How come that the transfer from friendship to love is very possible, love to friendship however extremely rare?

Is friendship the base for everything? Could I love someone with whom I can't imagine to be friends?

I have heard from several people that loving means to be happy when the loved person is, even if it is without you, that love is your personal thing and doesn't really have anything to do with the other. Is it, really? Am only I so selfish that I want him to be happy with me? It's not that I'd want him to be unhappy if he doesn't love me, I would just stop loving him after some time.

What is love anyway? The all consuming passionate "I can't live without you and would rather kill myself than trying" feeling from the movies? I seriously doubt it (or to say it with Sheldon "I hardly think so"). Maybe it is much more silent and has many different ways of expressing itself. Someone who bears with your moods. Who travels 200 km by train to drive you back in your own car because you have fallen ill at your friend's place. Who does your taxes for you. Who makes an effort to please your parents. Who doesn't criticise but supports all your attempts.

If I were proposed for marriage, white gold ring with solitaire sapphire surrounded by little diamonds (Libran after all) included, would I squeak and jump at his neck or would I think: What a waste, think of all the photo equipment I could have had for that money?

When do you stop being a child? When are you allowed to take your own decisions, however risky they may be? Without answering to anyone, especially not your mother? When will you be trusted to have enough common sense to do the right thing even far away from home?

Questions over questions... and you say you feel interrogated - when I don't even have answers to myself..

100 Ways To Kill Your Laptop

"Windows is trying to initiate software.." (a software that you had been using for the past five months without any problem). You are trying to install an update to a program and after making you wait for several minutes, it succinctly tells you "X has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.". Every time you insert a DVD, start the DVD program and just think about maximising the window, your entire system freezes. And of course your computer takes an eternity between the moment you press the On-button and the time you can safely start using any software.

I don't know about you but in these situations, I get so angry at my laptop that the word "DESTROY" is blinking red in my eyes. Feel the same? Here's what you can do:

1 - Be careless. Use a cheap, not cushioned bag to carry your laptop and don't be particularly attentive when it comes to avoiding obstacles. Move your laptop abruptly while it is switched on.

2 - Drop it. That one is definitely the fastest method and doesn't require further explanation. Depending on how much time you have at your disposal, let the laptop fall from your desk onto a chair or the floor.

3 - Hit it. Your laptop doesn't do what you want it to do? The system froze? The Internet connection is flaky? Hit it, with your flat hand or fist. This is even more effective if you know where exactly its "heart" and "brain" are located.

4 - Drown it. Works just as well with plain water as with ginger tea, coke, milk or any other fluid of your choice. If you turn the laptop around and dry it carefully, it might survive the attack but who would want that?

5 - Squeeze it. Squeeze it? Yes, squeeze the display. The procedure is simple: You bend the upper part towards you to easily access the laptop's back where you want to pull a number of plugs. Instead of holding it by a safe corner, you keep your fingers about 2 cm further down. When you're done unplugging and bend the display back to the initial position - oops, black screen!

These methods are tested and approved by me personally, I know that they are efficient. For numbers 6 to 100, I hope for your contribution. So if you have ever willingly or unwillingly harmed, damaged or killed your laptop (somebody else's works just as well), please don't hesitate to share your tips :-D

The Breakfast Club

How do you review the movie that you like the most? How do you transfer the calmly burning enthusiasm without giving away too much? Without repeating the contents of every other critique? I have no idea but I know I must try.
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... The Breakfast Club has been released in the United States of 1985 and was directed by John Hughes, Jr. It is a movie full of music. The theme song, Simple Minds' 'Don't You (Forget About Me)' is the motive of the whole film. The movie is minimalistic, the setting for the biggest part of it is the library of a high school in a Chicago suburb. None of the dialogues is redundant, there are no lengths and the ending is as positive as it is poignant.

... Five high school students who couldn't be more diverse from one another have to spend a whole precious Saturday in detention. They are referred to as "a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, a criminal" and that's how they initially see themselves. "We were brainwashed."

... Indifference, dislike, loyalty facing the authoritarian frustrated principal, rejection, interest, honesty, recognition and attraction - those are the stages these five youths are going through within nine hours of their life.

... There is Brian, an A student, coming from the perfect family, having the perfect GPA, living the perfect life his parents expect him to.
... Andrew, wrestler in the school team, aiming for a sports scholarship, who does whatever to impress his dad.
... Allison, who does everything to get attention and disappears behind a self-erected protective wall of hair and hood.
... Claire, the princess, so unbelievably popular, who feels crushed between her parents' endless fights and her friends' constant pressure.
... And John, unadapted rebel, criminal, born agent provocateur who won't let anyone scratch the surface.

Nine hours are a long time.
... A time to impress ("So, what's your poison? What do you drink?" - "Vodka!" - "Vodka? When do you drink Vodka?" - "Whenever." - "A lot?" - "Tonsss."),
... to threaten ("I don't wanna get into this with you, man." - "Why not?" - "Because I'd kill you."),
... to provoke ("What's that?" - "Sushi." - "Sushi?" - "Rice, raw fish and seaweed." - "You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, but you eat that?"),
... to hit ("Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor."),
... to run ("Being bad feels pretty good, huh?"),
... to protect ("We're dead." - "No. Just me."),
... to laugh ("Was it a hand gun?" - "No, it was a flare gun. It went off in my locker." - "Really?" [laughter] "That's not funny! ... Okay, it is." [grins]),
... to feel and talk ("We're all weird. Some of us just hide it better."),
... to care ("Why are you so nice to me?" - "Because you're letting me."),
... to open up ("Were you or were you not motioning to Claire? - "Yeah, but .. it was only ... because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin.")
... and to love ("Why did you do that?" - "Because I knew you wouldn't.").

... One thing remains: this Saturday doesn't transform them into better people. It is uncertain whether their friendship will survive the weekend but something will definitely last - the realisation that they have more in common than they would have guessed.

"Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down"

When life's too easy..

.. I just make it harder myself. Why did I decide to give up on dairy and eggs during lent? Why not give up on sweets for a few weeks? Or alcohol? I know, I know, you should renounce on something that you would actually miss ;-)

Day whatever:

Had a two-day-photo course this weekend and on Saturday, the teacher announced that we would order pizza the next day for lunch. Argh! But then, believe it or not, I resisted and ordered plain pizza bread instead of juicy yummy pizza Quattro Formaggi .. *pats own shoulder*.

One of my Monday's students always offers me tea which I usually take with milk and sugar. 'How will I tell her that I can't have that now?', I was wondering before. Easier than I thought: "Would you like some tea?" - "Yes, thank you, but without milk please." No fuss, no further questions.

Went grocery shopping just now because I needed some things and was craving sweets, too. While strolling through the aisles and checking ingredient lists, I realised that I can't eat any of the sweets I like and don't like any of those I can have. I want milk chocolate, caramel, ice cups, burfi, mushroom cream soup, cheeses, yogurt, waffles .. damn it! I want to pack it in, give up, throw it all. But I won't, not yet, not so easily. I want, I need to prove to myself that I have the determination to push this plan through. We will see...

Things that are not as they seem

Attitude of a bouncer, style of a hardrocker, naughty grin to make girls (ok, me) go weak at the knees - Bülent Ceylan! He enters the stage, loosens his backlong mane and shows his best heandbanging moves. No, that doesn't look wannabe, that looks *slurp*. Love him!
... If you ask girls what they're looking for in a man - sense of humour. He has to make me laugh. Looks don't matter. Yea, right! Of course looks matter. But humour does, too.
... Either way, Bülent Ceylan is a winner. He is a comedian, half Turkish, half German, born and brought up in Mannheim. For those who don't know it, in and around Mannheim, they speak a really funny dialect (seriously, ask anyone), combine that with his looks plus humour and ahhh! Cracks me up..

So guys, in case you were wondering about my type in men - see above ;-)

Goldfluss

mind voice
mind song
colours of the soul
colour of hope
gold river
sandy music
beach blue
reach out
call me
sing your blues
sing orange
green font
grey sky
shades of white
green laugh
smell of hope
frozen hug
now!

I hate Internet!

Me, who spends so much time online, researching, writing, downloading, uploading and criticising pictures? All fine, nothing wrong with that and this is the part of "internetting" that I like.

The problems begin when it comes to chatting. You meet new, interesting people and talk to them. Since there is nothing but talking, no gestures or mimics, you talk a lot. Inevitably, you exchange information. No, I'm not referring to personal data, address, phone number and the like. I'm talking about interests, taste in movies, music, what moves you, what do you hate and burn for. You quickly get close to people who have the same interests, who feel the same, whom you feel connected to. So far so harmless.

But this closeness is not real. The internet brings people together who are physically far away from one another. You're not part of their real life, they hardly are part of yours. When you really need someone, there will be a void. Your friends won't be there. Be it because of a time difference, involvement in job and family or simply "real life" that is keeping them busy.

There is only one remedy: Meeting. Taking them into your life. Believe me, it makes all the difference.

I don't diet

Day 4:

Woke up with a headache and tired, so tired. Level of alertness, ashh? There is none. No, that's not quite true. Yesterday, my breakfast items: the roll was too salty, the jam and tea with the usual amount of sugar too sweet. Have my senses heightened already? I will keep an eye on that.

Otherwise it was a day of feasting: dosa with mint and coconut chutney for lunch, salad and chutney sandwich for dinner. You might be wondering why there are so many Indian items on my list now and so few of my own country. The answer is simple: mine is a nation of meat eaters, possibly for every meal and in every form. Today's lunch is borrowed from our Italian (almost) neighbours, spaghetti al'arrabiata, with considerably less salt.. heightened senses, remember ;-)

Oh yea, what I wanted to say: This is not a diet nor an effort to be liked by anyone, the idea itself is ridiculous. I'm conducting this little experiment for a limited period of time, to see what it is like, if I have the will-power and if it does make me feel good. Period.

The Experiment

I've been a vegetarian for 15 years now. It took me a while to take that step but then, like with most of my decisions, it happened rather suddenly.
Now I will take it one step further - go vegan. From today, 6th March till Easter for now. Just to try, to see how it would go and if I can.

Thoughts beforehand: What about protein? And vitamin D? Should I take anything? Nah, it's just a few weeks and if I should have a deficiency in whatsoever, it won't kill me. I'm not gonna live off berries and nuts in the wood after all. What about yogurt, how do I replace that? Milk, eggs and cheese I can do without, no problem. Which sweets? Can I eat sweets at all? Yes, I can. Jalebi, dark chocolate, some pastry .. not store bought ones but oh well. So let's go for it!

Day 2:

Last night, I almost starved because I didn't know what I could eat. Had bread with some vegan spread (yes, I check the ingredient list even more thoroughly now) and green tea, as black tea with soy drink instead of milk is not that great. And then what? Oh yea, I made jalebi, just to see and for any in-case-situation ;-).

Today, I'm craving milk chocolate. Dark chocolate is allowed (yup, checked), so if the desire doesn't pass, that's what I'll have. I'm so grateful for Indian cuisine and snacks. So I will take these weeks as an opportunity to try out even more. Today's find: gunpowder.

Dessert, dessert .. milkshake.. err.. soy drink shake with banana, peanut butter and, wait, Ovomaltine is out, so pure cocoa powder plus some jaggery. Yummy.
And tomorrow: chutneys.

Me, Myself and I

You thought I was exaggerating when I called this blog my personal vanity fair? You will realise now that I wasn't.

Everyone has their good and bad characteristics. So far, so banal. But have you been aware that even the best qualities can be perceived negatively in a different light - just as what you consider your worst characteristics are quite positive when seen from another angle?
The proof: Me.

People who like me say I'm humorous, intelligent, sweet, caring, have an infectious smile and a pleasant voice. Okay, let's analyse those statements one by one.

... Humorous - yes, that should be true. But the other side of the medal: no matter what innocent phrase you utter, my overactive mind twists and turns it - in the fracture of a second - to find some hidden meaning in it.. and normally succeeds. "How do you get these ideas?" - "They come naturally to me, the problems start when I try to be serious."
... Intelligent, well yea, I'm not a numb nut. But it doesn't automatically mean that I'm clever. I'm still naive, sometimes don't realise when it doesn't pay to be honest and I tend to believe what I'm told.
... Sweet and caring. Hmm. Am I sweet? If it means being helpful, having an open ear for my friends, being there when they need me, then yes. And I don't mind doing all that - for my friends. The difficult side of this "sweetness" is that some people might try to take advantage of me, thinking that I'm a push-over, ready to give in. And hey: I am not!
... Infectious smile and pleasant voice - sorry, even I can't see anything bad in that ;-).

Now to the flaws: I'm a little messy, short tempered, lazy and don't forgive easily.
... Being messy means that I'm creative. I need the challenge to hunt for my things instead of just putting them in the same place all the time - keeps my brain active.
... Short tempered, hmm, that's a tough one. I would say it includes both sides - getting angry easily but can go back to being calm in a jiffy, too. It means that I have temperament, am ready to burn for an idea.
... Lazy.. this one could be the worst. But then it means that I'm not likely to get a heart attack from over-working and know how to enjoy. And that's something good, wouldn't you agree?
... I was wrong, this here is the major one. If you can't forgive or apologise, it kills friendship, relationship, communication. Silver lining: if someone hurt or offended me and I do get back to them and offer my hand, it shows that they mean a lot to me and will never lose me just like that.

So what am I? A self-centred, spoilt, silly brat with a heart that is too big to carry alone and a mind that is permanently wandering.

Count My Blessings

I decided that it is time for a little inventory of myself, to make me aware of all the great things I have.

I got life
I got health
I got a job
I got a car
I got friends who love me
I got parents who care
I got good times and bad times
Like everyone else.

I got music and colours
I got water and air
I got peace and fights
I got smiles and tempers
I got charms and a voice
I got winter and spring
I got nature and the town
I got it all.

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If the concept looks familiar to you: I borrowed the idea from "I Got Life" of the musical Hair



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