Christmas Survivor

Christmas is over. I spent it with my parents at their house. Now I am back home and I'm really really relieved. Not that I don't love my parents, mind you. I do, and I like spending time with them, at my place or theirs.

I once said that one week is the limit. Beyond that, mum and I would start bickering, picking at each other and just annoying one another. This time again, I tried to stretch the limits - to 11 days - but the elastic band of my patience flipped right back. On Thursday, I started counting the days till I would be leaving for home. No catastrophe happened, no big fight. I'm just a grown-up now, one who wants to live her own life, in her own place, by her own rules and wishes.

Am I an ungrateful spoilt brat? Maybe .. but I like the way I turned out. I'm polite enough to say "yes, mum, sure", peaceloving enough to think 'what's the harm, let's do it their way here' and intelligent enough to see when it's necessary to fight and when better to keep quiet.

Delete now

I have heard of a movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", (didn't see it for some reason), where two people had the memories of each other deleted from their brains.

That must be handy.. decide what you don't want to remember, what you don't want to be reminded of whenever you least expect it. No memories that suddenly come like a shock. Just press delete and they're gone...

The end of Hindi class...

...or Giving up?

I bunked Hindi class today.. for the second time. Actually it would be the third time if our teacher had not been ill that one time when I also very much didn't feel like going. I'm not enjoying it anymore (just the class, not Hindi as such), reading silly tales doesn't make me progress in the least and the teacher's method is everything but refreshing.

Gee, am I frustrating my own students just as much? If so, I could understand that they started running away. For now, they don't. Does that mean I do a better job? Are they just bored? Do they have a higher frustration tolerance? I don't know .. but I do know that I myself reached a deadlock and I think I need help to get out of it.

So please, Hindi speakers, help! Return the joy of learning and understanding your fascinating, puzzling language to me!!

Don't!

Why are people killing each other, everywhere and every minute?

Do you know how many years without war there were in the 20th century? Five! Five years of 100, five little years during which people could do without killing their fellow countrymen, their neighbours, their relatives.

There is murder and violence everywhere. Politicians declare war when they get tired of negotiating. Or when they see their own profit and a chance to grab it.

People kill when they feel mistreated, when they think somebody else is better off than they are. They try to make a point, aim for power, influence. And they give a damn about how many innocent people they rob of their lives, their families, their friends.

What is our first impulse? To hit back, to kill the killers.

Don't ... it won't amend a thing.

Kama Sutra

Kama Sutra - a love story so genuine, so passionate, so all consuming... To love like that just once, to be loved so strongly... A love so intense that it doesn't end with death...

I want to love like that only once, risk everything for my love... Betray and lie to all others and being true to only him... Giving my life to save his..

I don't like Sundays

The sun is shining through my roof-light, it's bright in here, I just got up. And suddenly everything looks more positive than last night, I don't feel like the world is collapsing on top of me anymore.

Maybe it's just the Sunday after all? If I look back: the negative, whining and aggressive posts are written on a Sunday.

Or maybe I just realised why I am having such a hard time making things move. Because everything always just came my way without me having to do much, taking a lot of initiative. I was a good student. At school, I hardly studied for the first 8 years and still was among the top four of my class. During the last four years of school, I had to do a little more... I didn't kill myself, like others did and still was 10th best in my class level with a hundred students.

Then university. At first, it came like a shock. We have to study! There are students that have advantages I don't have. The ones that have grown up bilingual, those who spent a year abroad after graduating from school. And suddenly it wasn't enough to be intelligent. But that was the first shock. Soon I realised that even those put their pants on one leg at a time. And I caught up.
Studies are the time to party - and I partied a lot. My best friend, my "classmate", is very industrious, always was, always will be. She hardly partied, studied five, six hours beyond classes on an average day. It is undisputed that she did great, she graduated with the best possible GPA. But I was only one grade below - without sitting behind my books for hours, copying my notes every day and taking my dictionaries to bed with me. I partied, I went out, I had fun. And I was a student research assistant to my professor, twice!

First job in a city of unemployed people? Difficult. I found something, a small work that just earned me some extra-money beside the "parental stipend". The next two jobs - after my second degree - almost found me instead of me them. I browsed the website of the local Adults' Education Centre, one week before the beginning of the new term and they were desperately looking for me. One year later, my current job practically fell into my lap.
Oh and I should mention: when I was really actively and intensely searching for work, I found nothing. In L., 15 applications - not a single offer, in B. 36 (!) applications - lots of "we would love to but..", "not now but.." and also some "---".

Why am I saying all this? Not to brag, even if it partly sounded like it. No, just to clarify that even now, I expect things to turn around, to get better again. And I will wait, keeping me busy with other activities, enjoying the fact that I have time - for Hindi, photography, baking, running, crafts... to name a few.

Advice to myself

Why does the wrong person say all the right things and why does the right person not say anything?

Depressed? Frustrated? If you're waiting for someone to pull you out of that swamp, you will wait in vain. Forget it. Don't rely on others, make your own decisions, fight your own fights. No one is going to help you out, everyone has their own life. Nobody gives a damn about anyone else.
And beware.. beware especially of those who promise to be there for you, to not let you down ever. They'll be the first ones to run away. How can you trust someone who doesn't trust you?

I'm not going anywhere in my life, I stagnate, I'm apathetic. Everything seems to go wrong, my frustration tolerance is unusually low. What is it today? Lack of sleep, existential crisis, the general recession?

Let's see if it'll still be there tomorrow. Till then..

How dare you!

How dare you thinking you know me?
How dare you tell how I am?
"You are nice, want respect, you are different"-
How would you know?

How dare you say I could be more?
How dare you question my life?
"That is not yet the top, she can climb high"-
What business of yours?

How dare you advising me still?
How dare you not seeing I grew up?
"Please do this, don't do that, listen once"-
Let me make my mistakes!

Ufff

A. is supposed to visit us in January. I'm not sure if it is really going to happen but the odds are not bad. And I was very much looking forward to his visit. A. is a good friend of mine, I would always defend him and stand to him (as I would to all my friends), no matter how weird he might behave at times, how self-centred he sometimes is and how many people are stabbing him from behind. He is smart, definitely different, funny, musical and not to forget good looking. All reasons to look forward to meeting him.

But now things have changed. The joy about his visit is not undiluted anymore because he is not coming alone. No, not with his girl-friend, mind you. But with another acquaintance of ours, O., a girl who made it pretty clear that she doesn't like talking to me anymore. According to her, I am "selfish, can't be a real friend to anyone", I "put on an act" and am "not genuine".

At first, that really made me wonder. Is she right? Am I like that only? Selfish, artificial and phoney? I asked a few friends of mine, those who know about my flaws - as of course I have many - and still like me.
And the results were rather astonishing. "No, you don't put on an act, but people who don't know you well could feel so because you are very controlled and hold back when dealing with those who are not your close friends." This was the tenor of several friends' statements. "Well, I don't know why she feels so. You and I have become good friends with time." replied another to my inquiry. And yet another: "She is so full of herself. Don't give a damn about the things she said. What does she know!"

Yea, what does she know? She knows nothing about me, she doesn't know me at all. Alright, if she doesn't like talking to me, that's her choice and I'm definitely not going to impose myself on anyone. But allowing her to spoil the meeting with A.? He had planned to visit M. and me, and we both live in different cities. So I really don't know how it will be. Should I renounce on going to M.'s place just because she will be there too? Should I insist that A. comes to my place on his own, without M. or O.? I can't do that. And besides, it would only be half the fun without M., who by the way is overjoyed that O. announced to accompany A.

I hope that something will happen, it's still a while to go till then, maybe O. won't be able to make it after all. One can always hope.

Magnetic Poetry

A few weeks ago, at a party, we were playing Magnetic Poetry. For those who don't know it: that's a box full of random words and letters on magnet strips that should enable you to write little poems. Or in our case phrases, as surreal as it gets. Examples? I am your pie in the sky ... Glass voices melt fever down ... and my personal favourite: Wet felines have an air of porcelain velvet about them.

So after playing this game, no one can tell me that the famous musicians of the '60s,'70s and '80s didn't use Magnetic Poetry to compose their songs!
Be realistic - how else do you explain The Beatles' Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, Genesis' The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway, Pink Floyd's Shine On You Crazy Diamond or the famous line of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer, Open Up Your Fruitcage?

I picture it like this: The band members sitting in a circle on the floor, a joint circulating, half-full glasses of red wine next to them, a few candles lit... All heads are bent over a box of Magnetic Poetry in their middle and suddenly one of them calls out: "Guys, guys, look at this!!"

The rest is (music) history...

What kind of blog?

I've seen a few blogs before starting one myself. And every time I browsed through one, I wondered: Like this? Or like that one maybe?

The first one I saw must have been Nitin's. Serious and elaborate observations, many posts related to (his own) music, to movies and these two topics combined. Not for me - too much of thinking and research required.

Next in line was talldarkman's. Stories about his journeys mainly, written in a witty, funny and entertaining way. But although being a basically happy and humorous person in life, I don't seem able to write that way. Off the list too.

"Ashes" (ashhh for me) showed me his blog next. Ok, "showed" might be slightly exaggerated. He had no idea that I would go through all of his posts, dating a few years back even. But I did. And I liked what I saw - poems, short stories, random thoughts, pictures. I knew right away that I would never get there so I didn't even attempt to. But in a way, his style of writing is what I'm looking out for (without trying to copy of course).

Hue's (second's) blogspot is a place I keep returning to. Her posts are sometimes funny, sometimes touching, one particularly sweet (you know which one I'm talking about) and often helpful. She shares her experience and observations with the reader in her own smart, funny and unique way. As mentioned above - writing funnily is not that easy.

The latest one I came across is wanna's. Short posts, clearly more for himself than for anyone else to read, they are relatively personal, like a diary. Therefore I sometimes feel like an intruder when going there but sorry, wanna, can't resist. Wanna mixes his own thoughts with well-placed quotes and writes in a way that makes me want to react instantly. I'm not sure what it takes to write like that but I'm quite certain that I don't have it.

Now what would I like my "blogspot thingy" to resemble? None of the above, even though I admire them all. I just want to pour out (sometimes puke out) my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences, my points of view, my anger and my joy. Mostly in prose, sometimes in poetry. Thoughts that I want to share, thoughts that I'm almost embarrassed about.
My blog will be my personal vanity fair, the hub of my very own thought-universe, my self-centred little platform of ideas.

A somewhat altered ashhh-quote at the end that will be the motto and headline for my blog:
If you like what I am writing, I'm happy. If you don't, I couldn't care less.

Accepted Feelings

Did you ever notice how our society encourages certain emotions and how others are taboo? Think about it sometime.

You're allowed to be angry
but when you're sad, all you hear is "Get over it!".
You're supposed to be serious
but when you're silly, they tell you "Grow up!".

It's accepted to love
but being lovesick - no no!
Sure you can be in love
but possessive and jealous - no way!

Reflecting alright
but self-pity is never an option - "C'mon, get your act together!".
Be creative
but if you are not, means you just didn't try hard enough.

It's alright to be aggressive
but the shy people will just lose out.
Even children are told:
"Defend yourself when they tease you or else you won't get very far!".

Being honest, yes please,
but are they sure they can deal with the truth?
Hey, be good, save the world, don't be selfish
but where to begin?

I want the Nobel Peace Prize!

That's one prize I would really like to get. Having done something great for the sake of mankind, having made this world a little less bloody and violent, being as peacefully perseverant as Gandhi, as clear-sighted as Gorbachev, as non-violently insistent as my own people in '89.
Be patient, be peaceful and smilingly successful.

But then I walk through the world, my eyes wide open.

I frown at parents who shout at their children, beat them, mistreat them and still expect them to be well-behaved little creatures without a will of their own.

I would like to put consumers in tiny cages who buy a fried chicken for 2 Euros and don't even think of what these animals went through. Those who are surprised that they're sold rotten meat when they ask for it cheaper and cheaper and cheaper. Let them stay in a livestock transport, under the same conditions pigs and cows exist on their daily odysseys.

I see magnificent churches, built from money that was tricked out of poor believers, making them think they would go to hell if they didn't pay for their heavenly beatitude. And it makes me so angry, so fumingly mad at all the religions that make a fortune while their followers are starving.

I think of the catholic church, with a leader that claims to be infallible, god's representative on earth. Infallible, a human! Who consoles the suffering with mild words instead of providing real help. Every time I hear him talk, I fight the urge of wanting to dunk him, together with all his cardinals and bishops, into a giant stoup until they stop struggling.

I want to scream at those heads of state who don't hesitate to sacrifice others' children in a war that is about nothing but self-righteousness, profit and resources. Would they send their own sons and daughters to war? Would they encourage them to go? Oh no!

This blatant injustice everywhere leaves me feel so livid and helpless, makes me want to scream, shout, beat and shoot, simply get violent against the culprits.
The Nobel Peace Prize? A distant dream!

Complaints Choir (and a few solutions)

1 - A few of my students are leaving which means less income for me.
("Boss, btw, I have open capacities..." - "Good to know, we will get back to you sooner than you think")

2 - My mum doesn't like my apartment.
(Yes, and so? Which law says that your own and your parents' taste has to match in everything? I like my place, and that's what counts!)

3 - C. decided that she doesn't want to go to India because it's not for her after all.
(So I will go with M., try to convince my mum or join a travelling group.)

4 - S. is making Hindi class a power struggle between her and the teacher. Thus it's less fun for me and I don't know which side to take because I understand them both in a way.
(Their fight is not mine, I don't have to take sides. I can learn under any circumstances and that's what I'm going to do because I have paid for the course and I intend to take the max out of it! *determined look*)

5 - I can't go to Greece with friends in November as planned, due to financial reasons.
(Postpone. I survived 32 years without going to Greece, another one won't kill me.)

6 - Coughing today.
(Ignore it. Denial and vitamin C work best against an upcoming cold :p.)

Yes, things in life can go wrong, there are setbacks... but cribbing and moping won't help... nor will pitying yourself. Stand up, attack your problems and if you need it, ask for help!

Why don't you write?

seeju:

- Do you write?
+ No. All I can write is text messages on the phone.
- Why don't you try?
+ I don't think I can.
- I'm sure you can.

ashh:

+ I read some of your poems, like them.
- Do you write too?
+ No, I don't. I've read too much, I would only be copying and I don't want that.
- *smiles*... I like that.

second:

"if we are ever out of our respective jobs, we would start writing plots for hollywood"

- You should write too, fishy!
+ You think? Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.
+ I had a weird dream.. I started a blog, wrote posts and people hated them, made fun of them, gave nasty comments. It was awful!
- Fishy, that was just a dream. And even if - go ahead and write!

somy:

- You have a good sense of humour.
+ Thank you.
- I like your way with words.
+ That's just because I don't have many, in English.
- You should write a book, really. Something humorous.
+ Hmmm ... maybe some day I will.

Ok, no book yet but not text messages either. I hope nothing copied but I can't guarantee that it's original either. It won't be stolen but it might be boring.

So, seeju, ashhh, second, somy... I hope you won't regret having encouraged me to write. And if you do - this is your punishment! :p